[personal profile] carnivalnights
Sometimes I still feel so invisible. And it almost feels like the only purpose I serve when I am visible is as someone's punching bag. It seems like a harsh analogy, but it almost feels like I don't know how to swim and I'm flailing around in the water, trying to come up for air. I finally surface but someone is standing over me, trying to push my head back under. It doesn't matter what I do or where I choose to surface - there is always someone there trying to push me back under or push me into the currant. It could be my father. It could be a friend. It could be a boyfriend. It could be a near stranger, like it was today.

Do you believe in reincarnation? I feel like I must have been a horrible person in my last life and that this life is my punishment. That seems dramatic, but I feel like I attract everything I hate: drama, anger, fights, opposition. Completed enraged people who want to take their anger out on me. People with addictions who cling to me for help then throw it back in my face. People who lie, cheat and steal. People who want to cheat on their wives with me. People who have absolutely no class. People who just want someone to pick a fight with. I am a very relaxed, calm person. Exes have been infuriated by it when I sit there calmly during an argument, speaking in my normal tone and being rational. They want me to get upset, but that is just not who I am. I am not a fighter, and I choose my battles carefully. To me, if it does not affect me tomorrow, I should not care about it today. Forgive and forget; just one is lethal. I have forgiven the most brute people simply because anger is too heavy to carry.

But there are times when the negative comments and the painful words build up and up until I have trouble breathing. I am a strong woman. I know this much. But I am not invincible and I cannot ignore absolutely everything. I cannot ignore the hostile words of someone who was outraged after only two weeks of speaking to me because I couldn't be what he wanted me to be to him. I cannot ignore the presumptuous and harsh words of a long-time friend who seems to make a hobby out of obsessing over my appearance, my diet, my life choices. I cannot ignore the rash decision of my best male friend in the world who ended out friendship last week and wasn't even going to bother to tell me why. I cannot ignore the accusations and abrupt arguments of an on-again-off-again friend who really only lives to serve themselves and their own needs. And I cannot ignore the lies of the friend I thought I was close to who keeps saying they are too busy for me. It all becomes too much. Too much to keep suppressing. And it’s too many to keep cutting out of my life. Why must it be this way? I always end up feeling so alone.

I do my best to be there for everyone in my life. I do my best to put positive vibes out into the world. I send a group of co-workers a funny photo every day just to make them smile and I created a "happy board" for everyone to post things on. I text happy things to people when they are in a bad mood. I try to stay calm in stressful situations so that others around me will hopefully benefit. I listen, I am supportive, I am understanding whenever someone has a problem. I am loyal to a fault and will never leave or betray a friend; if you so choose, I will be a friend for life. I don't know what it is I am doing that leads me to being met with such hostility from so many different people.

I'm starting to think the universe does not believe me when I am screaming here on earth that I just want to be happy and be surrounded by other happy, loving people...
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carnivalnights

March 2017

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