carnivalnights: (qaf: i love you)
[personal profile] carnivalnights
For the last two years, I have been single for the first time in twelve years and, for the most part, enjoying it. I was devastated after my break-up and went into a deep depression. But after living on my own for the first time I have found there are a lot of upsides to being alone and having space to myself, especially since the break-up forced me to pay more attention to myself and work on getting the things I needed in life. This has given me the chance to lose 50lbs and work on so many other areas of myself that I neglected while looking after so many other people first. However, I have found these positives are put on hold when I look around and realize, hey, I am the last one to settle down. What about my happy ending?

Most everyone in my circle is married. And if they're not married, they're engaged. I don't even know any single people anymore. Most of them already have children too, the majority more than one. The irony is that everyone always thought I would be one of the first to settle down because I have always been in long-term relationships and very much in love with and dedicated to my boyfriends. Even the friends who laughed in the face of marriage are now married. And I'm still here. Alone. Nowhere near engagement or settling down.

Recently, I found out my most recent ex moved in with and got engaged to the woman he started dating after me. Now, my ex and I talked about marriage in our relationship more than any other relationship I had been in before, and I truly thought that he was the one. I was convinced we were going to get engaged shortly after he moved in (at least that was the plan). The funny part is, this is the third ex in a row to get married to the next woman he dated. It seems I have just become everyone's layover on the way to real happiness. Some kind of stand-in. A placeholder. And let me tell you, it does not feel very good. A handful of months before my ex got engaged, I lost my job. I was laid off and I am actually still unemployed struggling to find a job, despite a double major honours degree and despite several years of experience in my industry - cliché, I know. I guess hearing the news that he also recently got a promotion to the exact job title I desire did not sit well with me for obvious reasons... and my second last ex also got promoted shortly after we broke up as well. It is unfair. And yes, I know, life is not fair. But why this amount of salt in the wound? Why are the last three people I dated happily married/engaged, living with their "soulmates," being promoted left and right... and I am here? I don't understand.

I feel like a brat complaining about this sort of thing because I know tons of other people are in this position, either looking for work or unhappy with their love life. I just feel very undesirable - to men and employers. And when I even suggest it could be me, of course my best friend says no, it's not you, it's them. But is it? When everyone else is married, and I am the only single one left, of course I have to wonder why. I know I am a good girlfriend. Even during break-ups, that has never seemed to be in question. I am not perfect by any means but neither is anyone else and they still have people who love them. I just keep wondering what could possibly be so repulsive about me that I am not worthy of the same.

I'm hoping this will all pass and I suddenly won't care anymore, but I know that is wishful thinking. I am just so tired of being everyone's layover instead of their direct flight.

Date: 2015-09-26 11:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] symptosis.livejournal.com
It's good to see a post from you!

The first thing that comes to mind after reading this is that you're hard as hell on yourself. Has anyone else ever told you that? Well, let me not be the first or last!

I don't want to discount the positives you've mentioned so congratulations on having the time and motivation to improve yourself in the ways you've wanted! That's awesome. =)

Negatives can definitely seem like they outweigh any positive though. It's just naturally easier to focus on negative things (or maybe I'm just speaking for myself here really). However, instead of seeing yourself as people's layovers, would it be possible to see it as you seemingly set every one of your exes up for marriage? Maybe, you were the one that planted that seed in their hearts? Seems like a sorta twisted logic and probably wouldn't make you feel any better whether you thought of it that way or not. I don't know where I'm going with this and it probably doesn't help that I'm trying to introduce a new pseudo-positive outlook on it...

Blah, blah, blah, etc.

Date: 2015-09-28 05:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] carnivalnights.livejournal.com
These entries are really sporadic (once a year?!), haha. I'm glad to still see some familiar faces though. Made me smile. :)

That was truly the best thing anyone could have said in response to this entry - thank you. :) I know I am hard on myself, and I have definitely had it pointed out before! It's a nicer way to think about things, that I have planted the seed. None of them had thought about marriage before they were with me (or so they said), come to think of it, so I guess it is somewhat possible I played a role. Sigh... yes, it is certainly so much easier to focus on the negative. I have been trying very hard this year but I think with the abundance of things going wrong in my life, it has been a struggle. Thank you again for your insight. <3
Edited Date: 2015-09-28 05:24 am (UTC)

Date: 2015-09-27 12:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] apori.livejournal.com
The unemployment thing can be so oppressive (I couldn't take it the first time - out of undergrad, to the point where I went into grad school after just a few months because I found it so depressing, now just a few months away from grad school being done so will be at it again soon), and I am truly sorry you're going through it. I hated the way you were let go from your previous job as well. Employers really have a way of making us feel undervalued. Sigh.

As for the relationship thing, I just realized this year when my best friend started dating someone (we are almost 30 and it was the first time he ever dated anyone) that he was the last single one. I hadn't thought about it before, and I have been in and out of relationships for the past decade myself, though single for the last few years, and only when he told me did I realize that I literally didn't even know any single people anymore :O. I guess it's more a coincidence than anything, but for real your best friend is right: it is NOT you. It's certainly them. You are no one's layover. (For now, we can be each others' token single friend :)

Date: 2015-09-28 05:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] carnivalnights.livejournal.com
I'm sorry you have had to go through the unemployment thing too, hun. It certainly seems to be prevalent in our age group these days, which is awful. It is definitely depressing, especially since you're just trapped inside all the time sending in job applications. I obviously don't have a lot of money to go anywhere either, so whenever my dad stops by, I just make up reasons to get out of the house! This is my second longest bout of unemployment and I am near the edge of insanity. Undervalued is definitely a good way to describe the feeling. I wish you the best of luck with your last few months in school and the impending job hunt. <3

Thanks for your vote of confidence on it not being me. :) Let's definitely be each others' token single friend! Yay! xo

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