Going mad

May. 23rd, 2016 03:50 pm
[personal profile] carnivalnights
It's such a strange feeling when everything aches... my body, my heart, even my brain. When you suffer from depression and anxiety, there is just this constant sickly feeling. This underlying panic. What I panic about changes from day to day, sometimes from hour to hour, but I always know it's the depression/anxiety. I never confuse it with other feelings. Whenever I feel Depression Sick, I never confuse it with a cold that might be coming on or an upset stomach. I now have such an intimate relationship with it that I can identify it right away.

After a lot of a trauma lately involving my cat and a very expensive and invasive operation he had to have to save his life, I decided it was maybe time to go back to a psychiatrist. It is not that I believe the visit will help, but I am grasping at straws now wondering what I can do to help myself or how to start dealing with things in a more healthy way. I was already depressed again before Salem's operation, but during that whole time (about two months worth of vet visits, the operation, the post-op recovery), I lost my shit. There is no other way for me to describe it. Here was this being, this creature who had helped me through so much, and was sick and I could potentially lose him. And I just lost Shadow two years ago and frankly, I am not even over that yet. I live alone with Salem, and he is my only solace. The thought of losing him sent me into a madness where I felt out of control. It was affecting my work at my job (which I didn't tell anyone about). I stopped eating and I lost 10lbs in just over a week. I was constantly nauseated and feeling like I was going to vomit (which started very early on and eventually led to the lack of eating). When I tried to eat food, I would just gag and have to stop. It got to the point where I had to buy meal replacement drinks because I was feeling physically weak. People at work were asking if I was ill. I looked even worse than I felt. I most definitely was not sleeping. The week Salem got back from the hospital, I was sleeping maybe two hours a night. I woke up about every fifteen minutes. (And this poor, light sleeping has just continued.) I was taking codeine every day trying to make the headaches bearable enough to get through the day. I tried Ativan for the severe anxiety I felt every waking moment. NOTHING. WAS. HELPING. Not my favourite TV shows because I couldn't sit still. I was so restless and filled to the brim with panic and anxiety that it felt like ADD trying to do any sort of task. Not music, which actually irritated the shit out of me (I could only listen to jazz and classical, no lyrics, no singing). Not movies. Not reading. Nothing. I stopped cooking (obviously). I stopped cleaning my apartment. It was bad. It was bad enough to scare me into thinking I had gone to a place I might not come back from.

Though I've had very bad bouts of depression before, and I've definitely suffered from panic attacks before, this was new. Something wasn't right. This time things were very much out of my control no matter how much I tried to calm myself down, self-talk, meditate. It didn't matter. I couldn't even control my crying at work. I was a wreck. And no one understood. My father probably thinks I am completely nuts by now. He didn't understand my depression before, not even when I was a kid, but seeing me like I was for that month and a half just made him think I had serious issues. He kept saying he didn't understand why this was affecting me to this degree or why it was having such dire physical consequences. And while I understood why it was, I didn't understand my lack of control over it because that's very unlike me. I felt completely helpless. I was calling distress lines and feeling WORSE after talking to someone because it was all just so cliché and irritating. I reached out to my old counselor but could only afford one session with her (especially due to adding yet another loan to pay back, for Salem's surgery). I think it was helpful but not to the point where I feel I am back on the right track. In the end, I ended up at my doctor's getting the psychiatrist referral because I had no idea what else to do. Maybe I need to be on some other kind of medication. Maybe I really am crazy. I have no idea anymore. The downside is that the waiting list is so long that my appointment is not until October. What the fuck am I supposed to do until October?

I've contemplated going back on antidepressants even though it's the last thing I want to do. As I said, I am grasping at straws. I don't want to put my body through that again. I get so, so sick when I first start them and I definitely do not like some of the side effects I always experience (no matter which one I try). But I don't recall feeling all this panic while I was on them and that's honestly all I care about right now because that is why I cannot function properly as of late. I just want the anxiety and panic to go away. I can't deal with it anymore. I am at my breaking point. I need to do something. The one thing I can never fault myself for is just doing nothing. Every time I am in this much distress (sad that I can use the term "every time"), I ALWAYS reach out for help. Whether it's seeing my doctor, seeing a counselor, calling a distress line during a bad night, whatever. I ALWAYS do something. I ALWAYS try to be proactive when things get out of hand. I just don't know what the answer is this time. I've tried everything. Time and time again. I always end up back here and it is SO frustrating and disheartening. It makes me feel like I just have to live the rest of my life like this, not ever getting the help I need. As futile as it may be, it doesn't help that my benefits won't cover a licensed counselor and only a psychologist. That means I can't see my old counselor, the one who helped me through all this the last time and very successfully, and that also means I will only get about 3 sessions before the allotted money runs out (because psychologists are $100-$150/hr here). I'd at least like to TRY seeing someone again before I officially write it off as useless. People can't even get the help they need. What if I was suicidal? Would they still make me wait until October? I told my doctor how serious this was. I told him I could lose my job trying to function like this. Perhaps I wasn't clear enough on this being urgent. Maybe I will go back and ask if there is any shorter waiting list, even if I have to travel a bit further.

I really felt like I had my shit together before this. No, I was never "happy" at any point the last few years, but I've been on my own for a while now, I've been paying my bills even though I'm living paycheck-to-paycheck. I've been cooking, cleaning, doing laundry. My place is looking pretty good these days with all the purging I have done. I've repainted two rooms. And last/this year, I somehow survived ten months of unemployment on my own before I got this job in November. I've been adulting. I've been doing what I need to do. And now I am just back here again, feeling like a small child who wants to be coddled because I just can't do life anymore. I want someone to look after me for once. If I'm honest, that is how I am feeling. And when I was going through all of the stuff with Salem, yes, there were some fleeting moments of me feeling very annoyed that I am single and have to deal with this burden on my own without any support. I am alone 90% of my time outside of work. Sometimes I don't mind it, sometimes I do. And then there are times where I really, really mind it and get pissed off that there is not someone here to help me. Sometimes it's over something stupid like almost breaking my arms carrying groceries home without a car, sometimes it's as serious as going through a traumatic and scary situation like Salem's surgery. As much as I don't want a relationship, there are times where I know things would be a hell of a lot easier if I was in one. Financially, my life would change. I would be able to pay off my loans. I wouldn't be worrying about whether I could buy food from week to week. I know how much stress could be eliminated. But I also know that is not a good reason to get into a relationship, and I also know I am nowhere near ready to be in one again (despite the number of years that have gone by thus far). So it's annoying.

I don't know what's going to happen from here. I'm trying. I really am. I am trying to push through this and although none of my positive thinking is working, I am still willing to see the psychiatrist or maybe talk to my doctor about antidepressants again. I just don't think waiting until October for that first option is very smart or very viable right now. Someone needs to help me now, not five months from now. And I can't rely on medication to fix this. It won't. I will still have all the financial issues, the friendship issues, the family issues, he emotional issues, the PTSD that gives me nightmares, I will still lose people, I will still hate my job. Will the solution just come to me one day, out of thin air? I don't know how to find it. I've tried and just nothing sticks with me. I don't know why. I always end up back here.
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