Fading out

Nov. 13th, 2016 08:53 pm
carnivalnights: (animals: pengies)
[personal profile] carnivalnights
Why doesn't anxiety have an off switch?

Things got so bad today that I called a nurse via TeleHealth. Over the past six months, my anxiety has been even worse than my depression and I don't know what to do about it because I am already on medication and it is not addressing any of the anxiety like it should be. When I chose a medication with my doctor I was sure to mention I wanted to be on one that also treated anxiety. But so far, this medication has done absolutely nothing for it. I still get anxious to the point where I feel sick and nauseated. The smallest stressful situation seems to blow up into a debilitating one. And instead of being my normal self, the one who does not hesitate when making decisions, I sit here confused and mulling over choices constantly because I feel like I am not in the right mindset to be making them.

Every weekend, I get into bed Friday night and I really do not leave until Monday morning. On weeknights, I get home from work, I feed Salem, and then we both get into bed for the rest of the night. (I know it makes me sound like a crazy cat lady, but every day I miss Salem while I am at work and cannot wait to get home to him, and I have come to realize it is because he is the only thing in my life that doesn't hurt me, my only solace.) I eat dinner in bed. I usually fall asleep most nights way too early and have to get up in the middle of the night to shower, lay out clothes, get my breakfast ready for work. I clutter my nightstand until I can no longer see it simply because I do not want to leave my room and put things where they belong. I am too tired to clean. Doing more than one load of laundry at a time seems exhausting. Every small errand feels like a marathon. I hate my life, and myself. And most days I have absolutely no idea how I keep going or how I get myself to work. Most people would say that is an achievement in itself but for me it is not enough to just go through the motions and stay on autopilot forever.

No one actually knows it is this bad, but it is. I hate admitting it, even if it is just to myself. In many ways, I am strong. I have always been strong. I have always been proactive when it comes to my mental health and I get help when I know I need it. But what happens when you have exhausted all forms of help? Doctors, counselors, medications? What else is there to do? At many points I have taken my life into my own hands and have pushed forward. At other times I have turned to a professional for help. But what now? What happens when those things are no longer working?

I feel very helpless. And I despise that feeling. I cannot live out my days in my bedroom. In all honesty, I wish I could just drop off entirely and stop talking to family and friends. I do not want to go to family dinners or have a girls' night with my BFF. It just makes things worse right now. I do not know why. I have to force myself to stay in touch lately. I do not want to pick up my phone. I do not want to send or receive texts. I just want to fade off and I do not want anyone to care or check up on me. I just want to be left alone. I legitimately just want to be left alone and not have to speak to or face anyone. It has been a long time since I have felt this way. But that is how I feel these days.

I do want things to get better. Obviously. I am just at a loss for what I can possibly try now that everything else has failed. And while I figure out my next move, I just do not want to have to answer to anyone or explain myself or complain to anyone how shitty I feel all the time. And I certainly do not want to hear how little someone understands what I am going through, like my insensitive father who I kicked out of my apartment this week for being an asshole about this anxiety. I am so tired of that. To me it just seems better if I stay away from everyone. And it is definitely better if everyone just stays away from me.

Date: 2016-11-15 04:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] apori.livejournal.com
Not that I can understand your situation, but I also fall into these long periods where staying in touch with all people in my life is a laborious task that I'd much rather be without, and honestly would've been without if not for the sense of 'this is what normal people do', 'maybe I won't feel this way later'. I figure life is too short to stay in touch with people who cannot understand me or my situation(s), but at the same time I also realize I can't understand theirs. You're absolutely right to kick your insensitive father out though, it doesn't matter who it is, if it's someone in your life that's making the situation worse, they shouldn't be in your space making you feel even worse.

Hugs. <3

Date: 2016-11-19 06:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] carnivalnights.livejournal.com
I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling this way, with the communication. I completely get the whole "this is what normal people do" thing too. I find I push myself for that reason sometimes too.

There seem to be so many people I have to push aside for those reasons, and that is why my life is so empty. Still seems like the right thing to do when those people just make it worse, as you said, no matter how lonely it gets when I actually do want people around.



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