Sep. 26th, 2015

carnivalnights: (qaf: i love you)
For the last two years, I have been single for the first time in twelve years and, for the most part, enjoying it. I was devastated after my break-up and went into a deep depression. But after living on my own for the first time I have found there are a lot of upsides to being alone and having space to myself, especially since the break-up forced me to pay more attention to myself and work on getting the things I needed in life. This has given me the chance to lose 50lbs and work on so many other areas of myself that I neglected while looking after so many other people first. However, I have found these positives are put on hold when I look around and realize, hey, I am the last one to settle down. What about my happy ending?

Most everyone in my circle is married. And if they're not married, they're engaged. I don't even know any single people anymore. Most of them already have children too, the majority more than one. The irony is that everyone always thought I would be one of the first to settle down because I have always been in long-term relationships and very much in love with and dedicated to my boyfriends. Even the friends who laughed in the face of marriage are now married. And I'm still here. Alone. Nowhere near engagement or settling down.

Recently, I found out my most recent ex moved in with and got engaged to the woman he started dating after me. Now, my ex and I talked about marriage in our relationship more than any other relationship I had been in before, and I truly thought that he was the one. I was convinced we were going to get engaged shortly after he moved in (at least that was the plan). The funny part is, this is the third ex in a row to get married to the next woman he dated. It seems I have just become everyone's layover on the way to real happiness. Some kind of stand-in. A placeholder. And let me tell you, it does not feel very good. A handful of months before my ex got engaged, I lost my job. I was laid off and I am actually still unemployed struggling to find a job, despite a double major honours degree and despite several years of experience in my industry - cliché, I know. I guess hearing the news that he also recently got a promotion to the exact job title I desire did not sit well with me for obvious reasons... and my second last ex also got promoted shortly after we broke up as well. It is unfair. And yes, I know, life is not fair. But why this amount of salt in the wound? Why are the last three people I dated happily married/engaged, living with their "soulmates," being promoted left and right... and I am here? I don't understand.

I feel like a brat complaining about this sort of thing because I know tons of other people are in this position, either looking for work or unhappy with their love life. I just feel very undesirable - to men and employers. And when I even suggest it could be me, of course my best friend says no, it's not you, it's them. But is it? When everyone else is married, and I am the only single one left, of course I have to wonder why. I know I am a good girlfriend. Even during break-ups, that has never seemed to be in question. I am not perfect by any means but neither is anyone else and they still have people who love them. I just keep wondering what could possibly be so repulsive about me that I am not worthy of the same.

I'm hoping this will all pass and I suddenly won't care anymore, but I know that is wishful thinking. I am just so tired of being everyone's layover instead of their direct flight.



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