May. 7th, 2016

carnivalnights: (animals: pengies)

Because I don't believe in god necessarily (at best I would say I am agnostic) but sometimes think the universe somehow plays a role in what happens to us, somehow, sometimes I actually stop stressing for a moment thinking there's no way the universe would let any more bad happen to me. I think someone or something must know when enough is enough, perhaps even my mom watching over me. But then it gets worse. And I realize there is no one protecting me or the people I love. And I feel alone. Unsafe. Like things will never get better if they haven't already because there's nothing to stop those things from happening. Anything could be taken from me at any time. My job (which it has three times in a row now), my money, my mother, my father, my pets, even my own life.

It's just up to me to keep taking these blows again, and again, breaking a little more each time. Until what, I don't know. Until I end it. Until there is no more breaking me to be done. Until I go completely crazy and end up in a hospital. I don't know when the breaking point will be or if I will magically keep surviving somehow - and just be unhappy forever because of it.

I don't know why I still have those rare moments where I think 'Come on, no more, it has to be the end now.' But then it's not. Over and over. It is comforting for a fleeting moment but then something else happens and you wonder how you could be so stupid as to think something is going to protect you finally.

And those moments you realize that, no matter how many, are always so terrifying. I understand why people resort to religion to feel a sense of safety and protection. I do. I would love to be able to rely on that. But I have been let down too many times to believe in that sort of thing. Some days I don't know what I live for. Sometimes I think it could be those rare moments of happiness. The moments I am laughing until tears are running down my cheeks. The moments where a kiss makes me feel alive. The moments I actually get something I feel I deserve. But most of the time, they don't feel like enough to keep me going. I need more. I need more than a couple moments each year that make me feel like this is all worthwhile.

I feel angry that I have to keep living and keep getting out of bed each morning without the kind of happiness I see other people somehow obtain. And believe me, I have worked hard. I don't just mean I have worked hard in life, school or at my jobs - though I have, endlessly. I mean I have been in and out of counseling my entire life, discussing cognitive distortions and negative thinking, filling out mood journals, on and off various medications, trying to find PEACE. Trying to find a reason to live and a reason to WANT to get out of bed each morning rather than just doing it because I have to pay my rent. I would love to feel more. I would love to be more than this empty shell of a human who feels too much and rarely anything GOOD. What a waste of a caring, loving, emotionally adept human being to just put me through so much misery that I can't even utilize my powers for good.

Happiness just feels so unattainable and I will never understand why. Was I a serial killer in a past life who is paying for their sins in this one? What is the issue? Why so many obstacles? Why so much loss? People who meet me always say I have the worst luck out of anyone they've ever met and it is actually painful for them to be part of my life and watch it sometimes. Why is that? Why can't things just go well? Not all the time but even half the time would be acceptable. Just give me a reason to think this is worth it. That's all I'm saying. Because so far, this has not been worth it.



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