Nov. 1st, 2016

I know this is going to make me sound like a whiny brat but I feel like there are only three modes to my life: shit, double shit and triple shit. Shit is just the regular day-to-day way that I feel and how things go. I am rarely ever happy, and I rarely ever feel peaceful or content. The good times in my life are so rare and so short that they have nicknames and I use these when I say I wish I could feel that way again. Double shit is when I am under any sort of additional stress where my free time and mood suffer, along with my body usually (e.g. constant overtime at work, problems in any relationships, financial troubles where I am struggling to pay rent/groceries). Triple shit is when I am already dealing with double shit and then something horrific happens (e.g. dealing with Salem and all the medical/surgery issues and financial issues, an ill/dying family member, personal medical issues), and then my health starts really declining and I become a completely useless human being, barely being able to function and no longer taking care of my apartment, no longer cooking/feeding myself because I am too nauseated with stress, etc. More often than not, I seem to be in the double shit category.

I recently saw a psychiatrist for the first time since I was sixteen. Though I have been in and out of counseling my entire life since elementary school, mostly due to depression, anxiety, losing my mother and PTSD, I had not seen an actual psychiatrist since that time. One of the things she asked me, given my very long history with depression/anxiety and various anti-depressants, is what the longest time I had been happy for was. I told her maybe a month or two here and there. And that is my honest, non-angsty, non-exaggerated answer. I felt like an idiot saying it out loud but it is the truth. I recently went back on anti-depressants a few months ago (mostly due to the events in my last entry here, in fact), and one of the things my long-term family doctor brought up was staying on them permanently, which I didn't even know was a thing. The psychiatrist made the same recommendation after our appointment, saying that going on and off time the amount of times I have makes no sense anymore when there has been enough research to support it being safe to stay on them. So I guess that's it? I am on them for life now. Perhaps I'd be more satisfied with the outcome if I felt like they ever did anything. I usually come off them because they never help me, after giving them ample time, and I say that with an extensive list of ones I have tried (and different doses). I would say at least 6 by now.

But alas, that does not matter anyway because therein lies the rub... I cannot afford the prescription. Even with my drug coverage, it is still too much for me to take on monthly. After Salem's surgery, I started incurring additional expenses of a couple hundred a month paying for his medication and prescription food (both of which he is on for life). Salem comes first and I will keep doing what I am doing to give him the best life I can; that is not up for debate. But yes, unfortunately, this has put me in a permanent financial hole. It is not only these expenses that have caused the hole. I was already in one before they started six months ago. But see, this is where the double and triple shit come in. That is what I mean. Things are already bad but they get worse. I have already cut expenses everywhere I am able to, and that has not helped. I still have monthly student loan payments, which are pretty big, and I struggle to buy things like groceries... forget the odd thing for myself or the apartment which I always regret immediately. Just going to a movie or eating out with a friend is a burden on my wallet. I simply cannot afford to do these things, to have a good time, to treat myself. There is no greater struggle than living on your own in the city. There really is not. Everything is so difficult. And even if I wanted to move outside the city, I have no car, and I would need one because the city is where the jobs are. I have looked into drug benefits here for those who cannot incur the costs of a particular prescription but the deadline was September and apparently you cannot apply until next September now. I do not even know if I would get approved because to other people I am sure the medication cost is nothing and they would wonder what the issue is. I guess I can apply next year, but until then, I do not see how I can continue on this medication.

I only have two friends who know how deep this situation goes (the only two I speak to on a regular basis, or at all most of the time). The depression, the anxiety, the finances, hating my life, hating my job. One of them has not been there for me lately and instead spending all of our in-person time together texting other people incessantly and ignoring me, which is out of character, or replying "I get it" if I text a few messages about my struggles instead of making me feel like they understand or care. The other just simply does not know what to say. They have run out of words and resort to cliches and repeating themselves, saying they are sorry I am in the situation -- which I guess is all anyone can do. I think it is partially because they do not really understand what I am feeling no matter how clearly I express it because they have not been in the same situation. I just end up getting so irritated hearing the same thing over and over and it is unfair to them. I have no idea what I expect from my friends anymore. I have just come to the conclusion that they cannot make me or this situation better and it is probably futile going to them about it. I just have no idea how to keep my mouth shut about my life because I am miserable every day of it and sometimes it feels like the misery could actually just cause me to implode.

And thus, I take to putting feelings down here... where virtually no one will ever read them but it is still somehow cathartic.

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carnivalnights

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