the draining

-- just back from last day of school

competition for me no longer mattered once i got into high school. i saw the jump in my enthusiasm; it plummeted. i think going into IB (the gifted program) is something that contributed to that as well. before, i'd strive. i'd strive to be on top because school was the only thing i had in my life... it was the only thing i finally realized i was good at. my self- confidence was drained in every other aspect aside from my academic achievements. IB is the most disgustingly competitive program i have ever been involved in... and the conceit that flows through the classroom every day would make you nauseous. i soon felt incapable of accomplishing anything close to what i had prior to high school, and nothing was worth it anymore. i didn't care about being on top because i knew it was never going to happen. perhaps not caring was a good thing... but that was the problem: i really didn't care. i still tried my best, but i always "knew" the outcome would be horrible. i was never going to be good enough, all the others in my class were born-genii, and i was never going to live up to anyone's expectations, especially my own. right now, i feel like i'm never going to be able to get the little confidence that i had back... i think it's useless even thinking about it. i still spent lunches alone because i couldn't stand the people in IB with whom everyone else associated. i refused to follow them. i wanted to be me, and not have to compete against everyone else. it was pointless-- and still is. i'm so happy the year is over, but it's going to take so long to gain all that i had back. i am so angry at this horrible year, and it all revolves around this school year. *bitching* i just want my ambition back. i miss it.

a graveyard so far

i haven't been to my mother's grave in over five years. i'm terrified. i'm terrified i'm going to break down and forget how long it took me to get where i am today when i stand there before her, now ashamed and regretful. i have had countless breakdowns concerning her over the past three years. it gets worse as time progresses. and i don't want to go there with anyone, especially my father. he's the last person i want to go with, no matter how disgusting that sounds. i don't want him to see me cry over her. not only do i let myself down by letting it get to me, but i don't want him to see the pain in my eyes. i don't want him to know that even though i only spent one year with her and don't remember a thing, it's the most painful thing in my entire life. i don't want him to know that every mother's day i stay away from every kind of media, like television and the radio, just so i can avoid hearing "i love you, mom. thank you for always being there." i don't want him to know that i cry myself to sleep so damn often nowadays because i want her here with me, to tell me things will be okay, to hug me when i cry. i just don't want him to know. and that's that. i never talk about her. we never talk about her. we fight... that's what we do best. my family doesn't talk about her often at all. i don't even know what she was like, but i've seen a few pictures since my dad was a photographer. that's how they met, you know that? she wanted to be in front of the camera, and she modelled. my dad took pictures. imagine how he feels when he looks at his pictures... does he feel at all? does he think about visiting her grave? does he care? would he take me if i asked? i'll never know. i want to go alone. that's how i've walked through life, and that's how i want her to see me now. alone. i want her to know that it's not her fault, but i'm so angry. all the time. i have all this anger and nowhere to unleash it except on sheets of paper. i want her to know that thought i don't know at all, i still love her. i love her so much, and i'm not going to let go just because people tell me to "get over it." i'm still terrified to visit the grave.

it hasn't been years of wasted tears and severe pain. it hasn't. i won't think of that...