carnivalnights

Sometimes I really have no idea what the point is. Excuse me for playing victim, but I feel like I spend most of my life not getting what I deserve or having my character and appearance assassinated. I feel like I am constantly defending myself or trying to explain myself. I feel like there are too many people who want to fill the position of tearing me down and insulting me. People I barely know feel entitled to fill it, especially lately. But you know, that position was filled a long time ago. It was filled by my father and I can barely take his constant criticism, forget everyone else's. Somehow, I have ended up in the exact place I was when I was thirteen: depressed, unmotivated, resentful and completely hating myself. This downward spiral looks and feels so familiar. I am back here for different reasons this time, but regardless--the feelings are almost identical. I am getting the nagging feeling that I need help.

You know what I hate most? Even when I am having a good day, someone or something has to ruin it. I can never just have a great day. I can never just feel good. At some point, before twenty-four hours is up, something ruins it. Always, no exaggeration. I am constantly asking people, "Why are you trying to spoil my mood?" Whenever I am happy, I have to be punished. I know that is not actually how life is, but that is what it feels like to me.

Somehow, after I lost my job (this time around), things fell apart. My relationship, my few friendships (which have dwindled down to one), my motivation, my self-esteem. Everything that could possibly go wrong has. Oh, sure, things could be worse. They can always be worse. But as for the things I had, say, last year... compared to what I have now... all of that has gone wrong. Everything has withered away into nothingness. I fooled myself into thinking the people in my life actually cared about me, and that was my biggest mistake. How on earth, after the life I have had, could I have let my guard down? It always amazes me how forgiving I am and how many chances I am willing to give people. I have no idea how I got to be this way. On the one hand, it is nice to possess such qualities. On the other hand, I put up with too much.

Sometimes I rant to an online friend I have who does not know me all that well, and he is always so confused when I tell him the things that other people say to me. "These people are your friends?" he will ask. And I step back and ask myself the same question. I am confused too. For example, if you are dating me, why are you calling me a 'fucking liar,' a child, chickenshit, an emotional blackmailer and a manipulator? Or if I am your daughter, what the hell are you doing telling me I am "lucky" there are men who will date me and that I make it hard to love me? Or if I am your niece, what are you doing saying I am not a strong person? If you are my friend, what are you doing ending the friendship without so much as a goodbye or explanation? If you are my friend, why do you never call and rely on pointless Facebook comments to communicate? If you are my friend, why do you cancel every single plan we make at the last minute? If you are my friend, why did you say 'let's get together' a month ago and never follow through? If you are my friend, why did you ignore me for months without explanation and then expect us to pick up where we left off when you came to your senses? What is going on?! And predominantly, what are these people doing claiming that they treat me well and that they will not apologize for any insults they have tossed out? WHY?

I am pretty much at my breaking point, to be honest. I am almost ready to wipe the slate clean. That would involve me cutting off contact with absolutely everyone in my (offline) life right now. None of them are supportive. None of them offer me any sort of motivation or positive reinforcement. Instead of being there for me through this job hunt, my boyfriend looks for ways that this could possibly be my fault. Picking apart my cover letters, saying that maybe I am doing poorly in interviews, saying I am not working fast enough, saying I am not doing enough, saying my approach is all wrong. It could not possibly be the economy, bad luck or employers just not giving me a chance. It has to be something I am doing. How about, "Keep going"? How about, "You are doing a good job under the circumstances"? How about, "What can I do to help?" How about, "Is there anything I can do to make it easier?" How about, "You will find something"? How about, "I know it is tough but just keep sticking it out, it will eventually pay off"? How about anything positive? All I hear about is what a fuck-up I am and how I must be doing everything wrong or poorly. Despite being such a hard worker and entirely capable, I have not been snatched up. No. So? Suddenly I am unworthy of a good job because of something I am/am not doing?

What in hell does it take to please people? No one is ever satisfied. I feel like I am always putting my own wants and needs on the backburner to try and please the few people left in my life. I am clinging to these people for dear life, making sure they know I love and care about them... and what do I get back? Nothing. These people constantly insult me and make me feel like garbage. And somehow, everything is turned around on me. No one wants to take responsibility for anything. No one would dare admit they might be wrong or that perhaps they were being verbally abusive. Hell, my father still says, to this day, that he feels I deserved to be assaulted by him a few years back. No apology was ever uttered and it never will be.

I feel like I had more self-esteem even just a few months ago. People have tried really hard to snatch the bit I had left these past few months. I claim to be a strong person, but if I am, what in hell am I doing allowing this to happen? Sometimes I rationalize it by saying people only turn their back on me after a long period of time. In terms of friends, this is very true. After ten years, someone will flip out on me and end it for no reason. This has happened several times in the past few months alone. It happened to me again just last week! I am not saying longevity is all that matters, but these are people I cared about and thought cared about me. They have not all been 'best friends,' but they have been close friends and people I talked to on a regular basis. And bam, it ends. There is no fight. It just ends. And almost every single person refuses to tell me why.

The person last week? Their response when I asked what the deal was? "Meh." And that was it. They will not speak to me anymore. I have no idea what I did or what went wrong with any of these people. Do I really want to keep living my life this way? No. But can I control it? No. The only thing I can do is get out of a friendship that I feel is doing more harm than good. And despite my good judgement, I almost never see it coming. I cannot predict people and their erratic and irrational behaviour. I cannot get out before it is too late because all of these endings come out of nowhere. Several years ago, I had a six-year friendship end and they told me it was because we were too different and that it was just a surface friendship. Hm. Here I was investing everything I had into that friendship, thinking it was fantastic, feeling like we had so much in common, having a blast sharing secrets and sharing laughs... but nope, I was told that was actually not the case and it was over. It must have all been my imagination.

Maybe I am actually crazy. Maybe these people were never even friends to begin with and I just made the friendships up in my head. That would explain a lot.

So, just like the "clinical depression" that hit when I was thirteen, my problem seems to be the same this time around: people. That is why medication never did a damn thing. Of course, the job situation sucks and the lack of motivation sucks... but things would probably be a lot easier if I had some sort of support system. It might help to have just a few people egging me on or telling me I am a capable person. We all need that. But unfortunately, I have never had that. Even when things are good or okay, I have never actually had any cheerleaders. My online friends have done a far better job with support than anyone I have ever known offline. (And I do not discredit that.) Unfortunately, I need people offline too. I need people to hang out with and I need people to support me. In turn, I will openly offer my support, my respect, my understanding and my open mind. No problem. It is not like I am asking for something I am not giving. But yeah, the problem is people. It is not some chemical imbalance. The problem is people being a) abusive, b) unsupportive, c) irrational, d) insulting, e) hurtful, f) disinterested and g) presumptuous. That is the problem. Not just one or two people but pretty much all of them.

So, who knows... I have no idea what I am supposed to do. I have tried making new friends. I have let old friendships go. I am almost completely alone now. And soon, I will likely lose my relationship too. Then I will be even more alone. Depression aside, thinking rationally about things, maybe that is best. It seems kind of jaded to believe there are people who are just meant to be alone, but maybe that is the case for me and I should just accept it. Maybe I am just not meant to get married or have solid friendships. Maybe I am just supposed to drift through life not really knowing anyone. There are others out there like that. I am not saying I would choose that lifestyle, but maybe it was already chosen for me and that is why nothing is working with anyone.

I feel like this is all a series of head games. People string me along for so long. They say one thing and then do another. The odd time, they will apologize and say they want me in their life. Shortly after that, they are gone. What the hell? So many of these people continuously tell me they want to be in my life. And then they disappear. Why bother? Are they lying? If so, there is no need. Just get what you want and be on your merry way. Tell me you used me. Are they telling the truth? If so, how does someone's mind change that quickly? One minute we are great friends, the next things are ending. Or worse, for ten years we are friends and then it ends for no particular reason... or for a reason I am just not told. Head game after head game. It is like the only want to leave when they have genuinely made me believe they care about me.

I put in excessive amounts of effort. I am humorous. I am loyal to a fault. I am a good listener. But people just do not want to be around me. Or, rather, they want to be around me but only for a limited amount of time. And god forbid I want to know the reason it has to end--then I am really a pathetic loser. I have my faults too. I can be stubborn. I am very self-critical. I can complain too much. It sometimes takes me a while to come around with things. I have social anxiety issues. And I know, for a fact, that sometimes people just want to tell me to "shut the fuck up." But why do I find it so easy to accept flaws in others, and yet people are so opposed to accepting them in me? I guess I am just asking too much.

If people hate me, fine. At least tell me why. Maybe if they did, I would have more of this figured out instead of being dumbfounded and confused. Maybe I could actually address and work on things if people told me why they either treated me like absolute shit or ended things out of nowhere. It would be nice to be even slightly more informed. Despite my low self-esteem, I just find it hard to believe that I am so intolerable that just no one can stand me. Am I the greatest person on earth? No. Am I endlessly awesome? No. Am I someone who never makes mistakes? No. But I figured I was tolerable. Unfortunately, feeling tolerable has gone out the window. It is clear to me that I am not tolerable. No one sticks around. What other explanation is there? I am obviously not what anyone wants. (Hm, I was told that once too.)

And again, this goes back to whether or not I should just accept that and live my life alone. It is not something I want to do, but at this point, I may be forced to. I would rather go through life alone than continuously lose people for no (explained) reason. I realize there is constant loss in life, but there cannot be this much. It is just not acceptable. I would rather just have no one than have everyone just eventually leave. There is no room to feel this desperate all of the time. And there is certainly no room to feel this unloved and despised. I cannot keep accepting people defacing my character, tearing apart my personality or insulting the way I look. I really cannot do this anymore. It is just too much. Most people have no idea what it is like to walk around hating yourself this much. And more to the point of this entry, most people have no idea what it is like to be constantly disappointed in everyone else too. I really envy all of those people with solid friendships, family relationships or partners. Without those, life just does not seem worth living.

Well, this weekend was eventful! I decided it was time to leave the big city for a while and spend some time with family in Aurora, Ontario. This weekend, for some reason, felt like more than two days.

I went up Friday afternoon and just lounged for a bit until dinner was ready. The weather has been really summer-like, so we ate dinner on the patio. We watched The Time Traveler's Wife, which was pretty dull but it was sort of interesting too. I had an early night because we were headed off to Waterloo, Ontario in the morning.

I have not really explored much of Canada despite living here my entire life and somehow visiting Europe a handful of times. I have visited more places outside of Canada than I have inside Canada, and it is kind of pathetic. Needless to say, I was excited to finally visit somewhere I had never been: St. Jacobs. The car ride was about an hour and a half (which felt way longer). It was really, really hot out and the sun was scalding, but I sucked it up. We visited the very popular St. Jacobs Farmers' Market, which is a huge outdoor market with tons of vendors and food, completely crawling with people. Not exactly my cup of tea, usually, but I was okay anxiety-wise aside from the fruit tents (which were just way too hot and packed). We walked around for over three hours, and I managed to find some cool jewelry stands and bought some neat lampwork glass necklaces. We got some hot apple fritters, and my family members picked up some produce. They had everything there. Meats, cheeses, fruit, vegetables, handmade furniture, jewelry, clothing, accessories, hats, shoes, plants, flowers, garden supplies, etc. There were a lot of craft vendors selling their handmade stuff. We got a huge cup of handmade lemonade; it was $5 but so worth it. Hah.

It was so, so hot out. My god. I obviously did not have a wireless Internet signal there but it must have been in the high 30s or maybe even early 40s with the humidex. I slathered myself with sunscreen and still ended up looking like this:



That is after only three hours (and three applications of sunscreen before I even stepped out of the car). And you should see my face and scalp. My entire forehead is red, as is my nose and parts of my cheeks. My scalp is bright red and I know it is going to peel. Gross. You have no idea how much pain I am in. It does not matter if I wear sunscreen; that is what happens to my skin within an hour or so of being out in the sun. I just burn to a crisp and I hate it. The same thing happened to me on the boat last year at the cottage. We were out there for five hours, and I was putting sunscreen on every fifteen minutes and still, I burned big time. My skin is just so pale and so sensitive. I could barely sleep last night. Just having my shirt on hurts, forget lying on my back. I have been applying aloe after-sun but it is not doing anything to help the pain.

Anyway, after the farmers' market we visited a quaint little town: Fergus, Ontario. Certainly, I could never live in such a place but it was nice to visit. With street names like Cambridge, Glasgow, Dublin, Essex, Yorkshire and Bristol... it is exactly what you would expect. Fergus has strong Scottish roots, so it was nice to experience a bit of my heritage right here in Ontario. They even have the Fergus Highland Games, complete with bagpipes and dancing. That would be neat to go to sometime. We took a look at Grand River (where I unfortunately saw a dead beaver and nearly cried). The shops were beautiful; I wanted everything in sight but it is all ridiculously expensive. I went into one shop that could, I swear, be the single store I would decorate my entire home with (if I were rich). It was hard to resist all of the jewelry... but I am broke so it is not like I had a choice. Hah. They had so much beautiful, Celtic jewelry though. When I do have some money, I want to go back and buy some. The town was so packed with arts, crafts and nice food shops. Again, not where I would want to live but certainly very nice to visit. Sometimes a busy city can be a bit too much to handle on a daily basis, and I do not mind experiencing these quieter places when I go out of town. Even if I could not do it myself, I like seeing the way other people live. I admire that these people seem to have so much less but seem... a hell of a lot happier.

There were so many Mennonite (Christian Anabaptist) farmers at St. Jacobs, and it really makes you think. Most Mennonites started arriving in Canada in the late 1700s, originally from Germany-speaking countries but relocating from Pennsylvania. A lot of the rural areas around St. Jacobs are populated with Mennonites, and they still maintain 19th century customs. They estimate over 200,000 are settled in Canada. These people first came to the Waterloo area in the 1800s and are still there. That alone is so neat. I suppose they are quite comparable to the Amish. Most have jobs in agriculture and run farms. Although there are different congregations of Mennonites, most of the ones that populated the area are Old Order Mennonites. Like Old Order Amish, they do not use modern day technologies such as electricity or motorized transportation. This means no cars, no cell phones, no iPods... and a traditional farming lifestyle. They use a horse and buggy to get around. They are quite strict with entertainment, especially music. Most reject the idea of state-run public schools, and in Canada they have private elementary schools, high schools and colleges. They dress conservatively, and the women must wear long skirts and cover their shoulders and cleavage. Women do not wear make-up and are discouraged from wearing jewelry, aside from a wedding ring. The women have very long hair, braided, and most wear bonnets. They are also pacifists, a very peaceful people against violence and war.

Everything the Mennonites were selling was handmade. They even had animal auctions there, to purchase farm animals. It was all very interesting. I have no idea how you can continue to live as people did hundreds of years ago in this day and age, but I admire it. There are downsides to the Mennonite way of living, but it would likely have some upsides too. Imagine how much your stress level and blood pressure would decrease without the worries of modern day technologies?

A picture of the jewelry I got (four necklaces, two pendants):

i. I realize I have been completely absent from LiveJournal for over a month now. Well, I only just realized this recently. I thought it had only been a few weeks. A few people have contacted me to ask why I have disappeared and I apologize to those who were wondering. I have been really busy lately with my job (er, temp work) and there has been an excess of drama in my life recently as well (when is there not?). I have been trying to enjoy summer but some people and companies have been trying to take that away. Regardless, I am really going to try to write more often.

ii. I have been temping at the same place since mid-March. I applied for the full time position back in April because they had two open positions, and I just heard back Friday that I did not get the job. Apparently they had known quite a few weeks too. So here I am working like a slave, hoping I get this job, meanwhile they had already chosen two people and not said anything. The worst part is, they made me feel like I had a really good chance. They said my interview was great, they were impressed with my testing results (you had to go computer-related testing with spelling, reading, typing and Word), and my supervisor has called me into her office several times to tell me what a great job I am doing and how great it is that I pick up on new things so quickly.

I was really, really, really upset. It is not like I love it there and it is not my dream job, but again, this job would have gotten me out of my house, out of debt, and it was manageable. I do like a lot of aspects of it and I do like some of the people. It had really, really good pay, really good benefits, and best of all, it would have been secure. There is no chance in hell this huge company would have gone under like the last one. The tears welled in my eyes on and off for hours, and finally, I marched into my supervisor's office and asked to speak to her. I told her that this keeps happening to me, over and over. I get nothing but positive feedback from all the employers I have worked for, and still I have no job. I know I am capable, I know I am a hard worker, and I know I could do any job I put my mind to. My self-esteem is not so great as a whole, but in the workforce, I am confident in what I can do if given the chance and I know my work ethic is great. My academic attitude transferred right into my workplace attitude. Even my supervision says "it shows" that I was academically successful and studious in school. She also says she can see I am my own person and stand out in a crowd, which was sweet of her.

In interviews, they say I was great but they chose someone else. If I am so "great," why do I not have a permanent job? Do people think I can just be a permanent temp for the rest of my life and survive off the crappy pay (since I get jobs through an agency and they take a huge cut) without benefits? I have not been to the dentist in a year because of this garbage! Anyway, my supervisor is honest and so I asked her to give me some constructive criticism. I asked her to just tell me anything, anything that could possibly be stopping me from getting jobs. Anything I did wrong in the interview, anything I do wrong at work. Because someone is not telling me something. I am not perfect, but all I ever hear is how amazing I am as an employee, how good my work ethic is, how diligent I am, etc. If all that is true, there must be something else, something else putting every single potential employer off, in interviews or in my resume. I cannot go on being told I do not have enough experience because now I do. I have been working for a year straight and have tons of experience in different industries, I have my summer work experience, and I have experience running my own small business. I cannot possibly be told now, after all this, that I still do not have enough experience--so what will their excuse be now? My supervisor said she would get back to me after doing some thinking. She said she appreciated my initiative and that I did the right thing by coming to her. Now, to prepare myself for hearing some possibly negative things...

I keep thinking back to when I was really, really desperate without any work at all. I was so determined. I wish I had videotaped my struggle. I remember going all over Toronto every week, having interview after interview with recruiting agencies. The endless resumes and cover letters I sent off, all the job sites I signed up for. I remember going back and forth on the bus to see this man who I thought had a web design job for me... and after all that I did for him, including giving him prices, getting his colour choices and outlining what I could do for him, he decided not to hire me in the end because his company was 'not ready for it yet.' Like, I have been doing everything I can. And I keep thinking back to this time a handful of months ago where I was obviously showing the world that I do not give up. And over the past few months, I have done nothing but work really, really hard, taking notes during any training I have received, making sure I do my job RIGHT and EFFICIENTLY, making sure I am covering all of my bases and helping anyone else out that I can. I have never stopped, I have never given up. And it makes me really, really sad that my determination in life--including the five years in university and the years in school before that--has never paid off. I have shown a great deal of ambition even in spite of horrible things that have happened to me, both personal and professional. I was back temping again within a few days after getting laid off in the winter, even though I was so devastated that all I wanted to do was stay in bed. WHEN will all of this hard work pay off? WHEN? And when will all this determination pay off? I have never given up! I have gotten discouraged but still never given up, so where is my reward?

iii. I was kicked out the other day by my domain host, Netrillium. Apparently my site(s) kept crashing their server. Instead of telling me the error messages on their end, providing me with any sort of details or giving me any time to look into the issue, they just told me to get out. The spouted a bunch of technical mumbo jumbo I could not comprehend because I could not see what they were talking about and told me sure, they would help me, for $80/hour. They suspended my account, without notice, and when I approached them and asked why, they were rude, inconsiderate, accusatory and totally unprofessional. Less than 24 hours later, I received a message from them accusing me of "blatantly ignoring the seriousness of the issue" even though I flat out said I was posting on some forums to see if anyone could help me figure the issue out. They even accused me of making them lose clients, which is odd because with all of the downtime, poor customer service and hacking/spam due to their insecure servers, they are quite capable of losing clients all on their own. Then they decided they were not going to put my site back online for me to download things before I moved to my new host, holding my site content hostage. They gave me a domain backup later but I have yet to find out if it contains everything and works properly. Right now my new host says they are trying to restore it but I do not see any content yet, so that scares me.

Just a tip, webmasters... do not ever do business with Netrillium. And if you are with them, get the hell out. They are the worst hosting company I have ever been with and it has been one problem after the next. The only reason I had not moved from them earlier is because I was tracking the experiences of other people and their hosts over the past while, trying to decide which one to go with. I did not want to make the same mistake twice. Anyway, I ended up going with a host called Holdfire. We will see. If I have to move again, I will likely go with Dreamhost because they were my runner-up choice. Time will tell, I guess. I am furious with Netrillium though. To just give a customer no notice, take their site down and tell them to get out is totally unprofessional. And then accusing me of losing their clients?! Wow. So yes, all of my domains will be down until further notice. The process will take a week or two, I am estimating.

iv. Recently, a few people I had no problem trusting before have betrayed me. I generally try to keep a positive attitude about people, especially new people because everyone deserves a chance to prove they are worthy and loyal friends. But honestly, I am getting to the point where the only person I trust is myself. In the end, I guess you are the only person you can truly trust... but you should be able to trust, to some degree, close friends, partners or family members. I recently got into a big tiff with my aunt and she said some things that made me realize we are no longer close and she no longer knows anything about me, who I am or what I stand for. She said things that indicate she does not like my personality (just like my father a couple of months ago) or agree with how I handle my relationship with my father (by giving him far more credit than he deserves, proving she has no idea what goes on in my house while she is not here). It gives me a real sinking feeling to know I cannot even trust my own family to take my word, understand where I am coming from, or just be supportive when I need them most. Sean is well aware that my family is toxic to be around. He says he can tell they purposely try and aggravate each other and cause drama. And they do. I am not perfect either, but I do not sit there pointing out everyone's flaws around the dinner table, storming out when someone says something I do not like, making them feel like crap when they make a big life decision. When I got my first job out of university, all my aunt could do was say how crappy the pay was, how unfair it was I did not get benefits, and how 'fishy' it all seemed. No "congratulations" ever left her mouth. Same with my father. What kind of family is that? Forget celebrating--they would rather be negative assholes.

My family likes to tear me down. My father does it, my aunt does it, my uncle did it when he was alive, and even my grandmother just does not understand me sometimes or see where I am coming from. I have nothing in common with these people. Nothing but DNA. I have just come to the conclusion that it is better I stay away from them most often than not. Every time I come home from a family dinner, I am depressed for one reason or another. My family nit-picks everything about me... my hair, my clothes, my make-up. "You shouldn't wear this, you shouldn't do that." Like I'm still ten. They just make me feel like crap about my decisions and choices in life, and I am even informing my boyfriend that he cannot make me feel that way anymore either. So I think I am better off not having a lot of contact with them, and so far it has been successful. I would rather not be involved with their drama anymore, so I do not call and I have not gone to a lot of family dinners over the past few months. I thought family was supposed to be the only thing anyone could depend on, but mine is like the opposite. Most of them have now said to me they do not want to hear anything about my father, including my aunt. She has wiped her hands clean of the situation and says my grandma is sick of it too, so from now on, I am not allowed to tell them about any issue I am having with my father at all. How nice.

v. Anyway, those are the big things going on right now. I have no idea where to go from here. I am going to leave my job as soon as possible because there is no future for me there. They are not hiring anyone else for the position any time soon; they told me that in the interview. So more job hunting. Yet again. *shakes head* You know, I honestly feel sometimes like I will NEVER get out of this rut. It feels indefinite... I know two temps are being let go at the end of summer, so I need to work fast. I have less than two months to find another job. That is really scary. God. I hate this.

I am getting really, really tired of life's fastballs.

My uncle died this week. The same uncle that I have always described as an alcoholic mess. The one I cut myself off from completely after severe verbal and emotional abuse, embarrassment in front of friends and boyfriends, and an utter disrespect for our apartment and hospitality when we my father allowed him to stay here for a year when he got evicted and fired due to his alcoholism. Well, yes, there it is... but of course, it all feels different now that he is dead.

My father found him dead on his apartment floor tonight, beside his bed, foaming from the mouth and a puddle of blood under his head. The coroner said he had been dead for days. That alone made me contort my face and let out a "Jesus..." while shaking my head. We have yet to receive a straight answer, but they think it may have been an artery problem related to his diabetes (undetectable in most cases). He had been extremely sick for months. In fact, he was in the hospital for two months straight. He could barely walk, he lost all of his hair, he got infection after infection. His diabetes (caused by being an alcoholic for so many years) was completely out of control. He was losing his sight, he lost many of his teeth. He was just a mess and it was painful to look at him. But he continued to drink for a long time after he was diagnosed and he did not--at all--change his diet to suit the needs of a diabetic. He did not take care of himself. He was unemployed and on Disability, and I know he was depressed and lonely even though my father always stayed in contact. He lost all of his friends after his alcoholism got bad, and he continued being evicted from every apartment he moved into. He made scenes at family dinners and a lot of us just distanced ourselves from him. Needless to say, his story is tragic. He brought upon his illnesses, and I suppose his death, but no one deserves to die that way. In fact, that had always been one of my greatest fears: sitting for days, dead, before someone finds me.

As with many deaths where the person is already ill, there is a sense of relief. He was so sick and although the way he went was not exactly peaceful, he is in less pain now. Someone suffering so much physically... you almost wish for their passing. I know I did. Not out of spite but out of compassion. I will never forgive him for the things he did to me, but that does not mean I am completely heartless and have no respect or regret. He may not have earned my respect while he was alive, but I do know that he was a good person in his younger years. He just, unfortunately, travelled down the wrong path. Most of my memories are of him as a violent alcoholic, but I am not so cynical that I do not acknowledge who he used to be and who he could have been had he not become an alcoholic and in turn a diabetic. I think knowing him back then could have been worse anyway... then I would have had to see him go from a happy person to a severe alcoholic. I feel bad for everyone who knew the old William, the happy, talented artist who liked to make jokes and have fun. They had to see him throw his entire life away for a drink. And then, I feel sorry for myself too, never knowing that person and not being able to hold on to those good memories. All I have of him are bad memories, and that makes this really hard for me to swallow.

Christ. It really is depressing, thinking about his life. I was always pissed at him for that, throwing his life away when he could have done something good with it. Why anyone does that, I will never know. Our family tried time and time again to get him into rehab. We really did try but eventually, you have to give up when people do not want your help. There comes a point where you realize there is nothing you can do, and as painful as it is, you just have to accept it and move on. I let go a long time ago after being so hurt by him over and over again. I do not regret cutting myself off from him, even now; my life would have been too painful if I had not, believe me. And there was just no forgiving him. That is hard to stomach now, letting go of someone you had hatred toward. I know he had hatred toward me too; he told me all the time. Unlike me though, he had no reason to hate me. I never did anything to him. It is just hard to accept someone's death when there was all that bad blood between the both of you. It should logically be easy, but it is not. I think at some point I thought it would be but I was extremely wrong.

Thankfully, this bad blood started to lessen as he got more sick. We did not talk as much and he was far too ill to drink. He was in the hospital the last three months of his life and only out a couple of weeks before he died. I am just thankful that our last conversation was a peaceful, random chat. We talked about my job situation and all the temp work I am doing may not be fun but it will mean something to employers. One thing I do regret is not looking at him during most of that conversation. To be honest, it was painful to look at him. He was stick-thin, he had lost all of his hair, most of his teeth... his fingers were all tobacco-stained, his feet were all calloused, and he always looked so malnourished. Even though our relationship did not get better in any way, at least things did not end on a bad note. I am always scared of that happening...

Honestly, I could write about this for hours but it still has not sunk in that he is actually dead, that I will never see him again. I can say it all I want but it still does not seem true, no matter how expected this was. I knew this was going to happen this year, I knew and my father knew he would be the one to find him, but it has not made it one damn bit easier. This is sort of my first family death. Of course my mother's death was the first one I ever experienced, but I was two years old. I had absolutely no idea what it meant or how to process it. I was convinced she was coming back and had just 'gone away for a while.' Breaks my heart to even think of the questions I asked and my family having to answer them. The only other funeral I have been to was my other uncle, my grandmother's brother so not even my first uncle. I barely knew him but it was damn painful to go to my first funeral (and it was my first because my father refused to take me to my mother's, which I resent).

This is the second time my father has found a loved one dead. My mother was the first. Despite our differences, I genuinely feel horrible for my father and that he had to find yet another family member that way. I have no idea what my reaction would have been but it would not have been good. He is putting on a brave front though. In fact, he is reacting exactly the way I knew he would: numb but pensive in his silence. He keeps saying that he knew this was coming soon, but that does not make it any more digestible. He will cry at the funeral. I hope he releases his emotions in some form... just hopefully not in the form of anger because I have had enough of that from him over the years.

They had to call an ambulance for my grandmother earlier tonight. She was having trouble breathing. When I finally talked to her on the phone, she sounded so exhausted. She has survived cancer, she has a billion health problems... but she still keeps chugging along and she is still very active for her age. I hate to say it, but this family would fall apart without her. She is the GLUE. She really, truly is. I would want to die if anything happened to her. She seemed to be doing better as the night went on, so I am trying to remain calm about it. She is the strongest woman I know; she will get through this. No one should ever have to bury their child. That is all I can say. I know it is a normal part of life and that many parents survive their children, but it is wrong. And yet I can speak of the opposite side of the coin: it is wrong for a child to have to bury their parent, especially at a young age. It is so unfair and so painful and awful. "Fuck death." That is all that comes to mind. What a horrible, horrible thing...

I cannot say what is going to happen from here. I have an extremely important interview tomorrow that I somehow have to get through showing enthusiasm and passion. How awkward. I hope it goes well, despite all this worry. I am sure the funeral will be sometime this week and I am sure I will be writing about that. Until then, I will just be trying to keep it together with the rest of my family. And find a good, loving home for my uncle's cat. If you are in the Toronto area and are interested in adopting a friendly black female cat (strictly an indoor cat), please contact me. My uncle may have been messed up, but he always had a love for animals, especially that cat. The least I can do is to find this loving cat a good, caring home. He would not have wanted it brought to a shelter. I am determined to find it a good home.

So, I just dropped a course. I dropped the only course I did not need to graduate. The guilt is eating me alive, but I also feel a sense of relief. I will not bother telling any family member about my decision because they will be unsupportive and even hostile about it. My father would kill me if he found out, so he will definitely not be informed. I was even afraid to tell Sean but I am hoping he will understand. I will still petition to get some of my money back by explaining the circumstances, but if nothing comes of it, oh well. This is what I had to do. Someone, and you know who you are, made me feel better about dropping this course because he recently decided to take some time off. Sometimes, it is just want you need to do. School can be an unbelievable burden.

This extra time will give me more flexibility in terms of getting counselling and looking into financial aid. My lack of time and abundance of school work was the number one issue preventing me from seeking counselling, now but even years ago as well. Just scheduling a time to go in for an evaluation at the university's counselling center was a hassle. Although my other classes are still heavy in terms of reading and assignments, and I am still a full-time student, I will have one less day where I am at school late in which I can schedule counselling sessions. I am going to be looking into bursaries to help pay for the rest of my education (three summer courses or approximately $4500). Those are my two things of focus right now, aside from doing well in my remaining courses.

I am unsure of everything at this point. I have no answers. I have no solutions. I just want to get into counselling and work through some of these issues. I just want someone to talk to who will not judge me or dish out useless advice, or get mad at me because I not doing this or that. At this point, I do not need anymore people who are unsupportive, negative or abusive. I may not be able to fully escape all of those things now, but I can guarantee those people will be out of my life after I move out. As I said when the incident with my father first happened, this will not blow over. I will not just forgive and forget. This goes for my uncle as well; I have barely talked to him for the past ten years because I will never, ever forgive him. Even today, my aunt disappointed me when she was completely unsupportive of my chance at a good future and insisted I was being "negative" about the school stress I am experiencing. It appears I cannot trust anyone anymore, not even my grandmother. My grandmother was the only person in my family I completely trusted, but now I am really questioning her ability to accept the truth about some of the people in this family and see the reality of the abuse I have endured.

Regardless of what happens, thank you all for being supportive throughout all of this. This is the only place I felt comfortable sharing my true feelings, and that is pathetic but also a blessing because at least I have somewhere to get my feelings out without being judged. No one here has called me melodramatic, weak or stupid. I was honestly expecting comments like that after the hundredth depressing entry. But thankfully, you are all fabulous and realize that I am not cynical and weak; I am just going through a very rough time right now and it has taken its toll on me, despite the fight I have put up.

I will not promise to stop making depressing entries seeing as I am going through a real depression, but I do hope this decision I have made lessens some of the stress. Skyler under less stress = happier entries. And speaking of happier entries, I will share the isolated happiness I experienced on October 29th, the evening Sean and I celebrated Halloween.

( an evening in pictures )

So, things have been extremely busy lately but I figured I would try to provide some updates on the situation. (I have been under so much stress trying to deal with this and everything else that I had about five or six ulcers in my mouth for days. Painful as hell.)

First of all, thank you to everyone who commented on the last entry. I also appreciate the e-mails I received from a couple of you. Thank you to everyone who did not need to twice before believing me and who were concerned for my safety. At a time where I have just lost my best friend and have no one else in the city to go to, I appreciate all the support coming from everyone online.

Someone called the police that night. Sure, this was the right thing to do, but it was the wrong time to do it. It was not what I wanted right then for one main reason: if the police were going to be called, I wanted someone to be there with me just in case my father lost it again and tried to hurt me after the police left. I honestly expected my aunt to come rushing over, but she had to let me go shortly after I called because she had a massage appointment. Anyway, the police showed up and one officer came into my room to talk to me. I was pretty disgusted by his lack of sympathy and understanding. He made it out to be my fault, as if I had done something to provoke him and deserved what I got. He also said that it would have been legal had a been younger and had it been a parent-child punishment situation. Lovely. He also said to my father on the way out the door, "If you two can't get along, you should kick her out." No, really, a direct quote there. My father did come in and tell me to start looking for a new place to live, but nothing has come of that. He asked me if I wanted to press charges, and I declined to save myself from homelessness. I do not want to hear anyone tell me I should have; I was looking out for myself too. Although, if I did press charges, Social Services may have taken my situation more seriously. Perhaps I should have. I do know that he will be in jail if he even attempts to do this again. I have absolutely no problem with that. To my surprise, a lot of my family members gave me hell for involving the police (not that I am the one who involved them in the first place, but I was blamed). I was asked how I could call the police on my own father by several people, non-family too, and I did not even think their inquiries warrented an answer. What the hell is wrong with people? I should have called the police because he is family! I do not give a rat's ass who hits you or assaults you--assault and physical abuse is illegal, and that is the end of it. How many criminals do you think committmed crimes within their own families before committing crimes against strangers? Most of them, if not all. Anyway, the police were no help and offered me no solutions, so it was useless to have them involved, as I expected. I have had previous experience with police trying to blame me (multiple times) in situations where I was clearly the victim of a man's brutality, harassment or assault.

After the incident, I decided to stay at my aunt's for a few days. I did not stay with my boyfriend because we have too many communication problems for me to just 'move in' temporarily. Some of those issues even came up Thursday night and reminded me that I could not go from one negative situation to the next. He was too pissed off at my father and some of that anger was being taken out on me. I am home now and things are awkward and nightmare-ish. My father and I have not spoken two words to each other, and it is clear we are both avoiding each other like the plague. I have been eating my meals in my room because I refuse to sit with him at the dinner table. I even try to eat after he goes to bed just so I will not have to even see him when I pass through the living room. We still have to share the bathroom some mornings, which is just excruciating. He acts like I am completely in his way; sharing was never a quality he possessed. It is like having a roommate you despise, really. He is here every evening, and so am I, but I stay in my room and basically only come out for food and showers. It is extremely hard living with someone you completely despise, but as I have learned, I may just have to suck it up for the rest of the year and deal with it.

So, what are my alternative options? I was looking into bunk dorms at my university for $20/night, but I was warned that they are dirty and noisy, and you may have drunk people coming in at 3a.m. since the bunk dorm's main purpose is to decrease drinking and driving. Despite the upsides such as being close to campus, you can only stay there a limited number of days. Unfortunately, my aunt's or grandmother's would just be a temporary solution as well. I cannot move in with either of them, and I cannot be that far away from my university for the rest of the year. Social Services could provide me with an apartment guaranteed not to go up in rent, but it would still be $750/month for a bachelor. I would still also need money for groceries, utilities, clothing, and other necessities. There is no way to get out of this place without getting a job, and there is no way to get a job without dropping courses (for part-time job) or dropping out (for a full-time job). Courses, by the way, which are already paid for and passed the drop deadline. These days, no one gets a free ride, temporary or not, even if they are in school full time proving they want to do something with their life. It is a sad reality.

Has my father said anything about all of this? My father has decided to lie about the entire story and so there are some family members who are not on my side. According to him, he grabbed me because he thought I was going to hit him. Two problems with this: I would never raise my hand to anything or anyone, and also, I am not a complete idiot who would raise her hand to someone twice her size with no protection. I also had a glass in my right hand, which I mentioned, so how would I hit someone with a glass in my hand? There are many holes in that lie. He also left out the other half the story! He failed to tell people about chasing me, grabbing me by the neck, slamming me against the wall, screaming at me to fight him, and calling me a stupid bitch. He honestly left that entire part of the story out and just left it at grabbing my wrists in the kitchen "in self-defense." He told this story to my uncle, and so my uncle is on his side. One of my aunt's is also on his side because she believes domestic violence is an acceptable way to treat your children. Her husband used to beat her son when he was three years old, and because this kid apparently hit her husband first, the kid "deserved it." I have basically written her off as completely fucked up and I have no respect for her. I never really did, but this was just the last straw. She thinks this was a one-time deal, he just lost his cool, and that all families fight (verbally and physically), and that it is completely normal. This, by the way, is the same aunt who my dad used to smack around when they were young.

My grandmother had a talk with him and as I said, he gave her the "it was self-defense" story. He also believes, even now, that he did nothing wrong. Perhaps a black eye would have made it wrong? A broken limb? Maybe nothing? Maybe he believes it is okay to assault people who piss him off. My grandmother asked if he would ever treat his girlfriend that way if they got into an argument and he said 'yes.' What a crock of shit. And hey, if it is not, I feel sorry for her. No one knows whether he told her about what happened, but if he did, he gave her the same story he has been giving everyone else. So I am sure his girlfriend does not care about hearing my side and is just going to stay with him without a second thought. This situation has shown me just how truly stupid human beings can be.

I have also had a few people in my family tell me to apologize (mainly my uncle because he refused to listen to my side of the story, probably because he was also beaten as a child by his father and does not want to believe my dad is just like him). Some people believe that we were both at fault and that we both need to apologize to each other. This baffles me. There is no way in hell I would ever apologize to that man, ever. I have no idea what kind of crack these people are smoking, but I do not owe him an apology and he will not get one. Regardless of what I did, I did not deserve to be assaulted. All I did was tell him to calm down and lower his voice, nothing more. That is not being "mouthy," as he has described it. That was just me remembering we have neighbours and thinking he getting to the level of 'fucking psychotic' over bus tickets. I saw him getting violent even before it happened because he was just going crazy screaming, swearing and pounding his fists on the table. I should have gotten the hell out of there when the screaming started.

I am sick of being told what I did wrong in this situaton because I did the best I could. I did what I was able to at the time, and I am doing what I am able to now. I was also bitched out by several non-family members for deciding to stay at home and not do something drastic like drop out of school and move out. What the fuck? People need to take into consideration this: the more I postpone school, the longer I will be living under this roof. What I need to do and what is best for me right now is to finish school so I can get the hell out of here. I am in my last year, I am close to graduating, and then I will be on my own. It is that simple. Anyone who believes otherwise is entitled to their opinion, but I am doing what is best for me by finishing school. School is the most important thing to me, and I will not drop courses (and lose thousands of dollars) or drop out and go back later. Not only are those stupid things to do, but that is also backing down and letting my father win. I will not continue to be a victim here and I will continue my studies and successfully graduate, despite what happened. End of story.

My mood has gone from hurt and scared to hostile and furious. I guess that is good news, that I am moving into the expected phases after trauma. The first four or five days after this happened, I was a complete mess. I was confused and terrified it would happen again. I was also having more problems with the best friend issue, I had people who were being unsupportive, and I was crying non-stop. Now, I have come to my senses. Despite my utter fear while I was being assaulted, I was fighting back. And I need to remember that. I need to remember that I had the courage to fight back and that I did not just sit there and take it, nor did I ever blame myself for what happened. I was pushing him and hitting him, trying to get him off of me. Throughout this, my strength has been questioned by several people, including myself. I had people comparing me to a battered wife simply because I was too scared to leave my bedroom the night this happened. Gee, how silly of me to be scared. If someone had offered to pick me up, perhaps I would have left right away. But no one did. Everyone just expected me to pack my bags and walk out the door with him still out there, fuming mad, without any kind of 'plan' or place to go. The point is, I do not blame myself for this situation and I did not do anything wrong, during the assault or how I have handled it.

Overall, this situation has proven to me that my father will never change. He thinks what he did was okay (he said this to me and all the family members he talked to), but what is even more obvious is that our relationship will never improve. Even while we were in family counselling (which, by the way, I initiated and forced on him), he refused to admit any part of this relationship's dynfunction was his fault. I have constantly beem blamed for everything that goes wrong, every argument, every situation. People in my family especially need to start acknowleding the reason we have not worked out our problems: my father. According to him, he is the perfect man and the perfect father. He outright lies to me, to my family, and obviously to himself. He needs help. He needs counselling for his anger and his denial. I obviously have my own faults and have sometimes crossed lines I should not have, but the reason this relationship has not gotten better and never will is because of him, plain and simple. I have tried, I have put in effort, and I have even attempted to talk things out. But he sits there quietly and offers no input other than "that's bullshit" or "you're full of shit" every few sentences. He will outright deny things has has done or said, or things that I have done to try and make things better (such as doing him favours or making sure I clean up after myself). Many parental-offspring relationship get better when the offsping move out, but ours will not. If has has not changed by now, or even just attempted with some effort, he never will. He has done too many things to me that I will never be able to forgive him for, the main things being all of the emotional/verbal abuse which has been constant, allowing my alcoholic uncle to live here for over a year despite my protests and fear for my own safety, and being so heartless when it comes to my mother's death and saying horrible things about her (e.g. "You're a bitch just like your mother" or "You're lucky there are men out there who will date you"). I had little faith before that we would eventually work things out, but this was just the nail in the coffin. And that is a good image because that is what this relationship is: dead.

I guess this is all the ranting I can do for now. I have been exhausted lately trying to keep up with my school work, dealing with the fallout with my best friend, trying to get over the assault, and dealing with my relationship. There is too much going on right now and I cannot handle it all. I am on a waiting list for a counselor at my university, which I should be seeing in late November or January after winter break.

Feel free to ignore this boring, long-winded entry. It is really just me releasing a lot of feelings I have not written about lately.

As much as I have tried denying it, I am spiraling into a deep depression. Oh, how utterly cliché. I thought these feelings were long gone, looking back to my high school years. But there is a sense of familiarity surrounding me, one I have been trying to suppress. Every time I have started typing journal entries, I have refrained from putting these words down. I backspace. I type something less negative. Not only did I not want to believe my current state--because putting them down on paper always makes them more real for a writer (if you can still call much such)--but I did not want anyone else to know either. I am ashamed to be back here.

Most recently, I have lost my best friend of six years. Not only was it the most important friendship in my life, but it was the only close friendship I had left. I did not have much of a say in the matter. Apparently the friendship was slowly coming to an end over the past few months, unbeknownst to me. Apparently I am 'no fun to be around.' Too jaded and unworthy. I am out of words. I have tried. I have rationalized and suggested. No response. There are things that happened that lead me to believe it will not blow over this time. Friends are allowed to disagree. Why do so many people think you must sever all ties once an argument happens? No friendship is smooth sailing. You debate, you see it headed nowhere, so you just agree to disagree and move on. That should be the way of it. You need to focus on all the good and treasure that with all your might because it rarely comes around. You rarely ever connect so intimately with one person. What I think happened, though, is transference. I do not think the end of the friendship had anything to do with me but rather, it was sparked by something else unrelated and I just happened to get the short end of the stick. I feel sick over this. It consumes me even though I am so hurt by what she did, without any explanation. I should be obscenely angry and just think 'Good riddens, I obviously meant nothing to her,' but that is so far from reality. How someone can throw away such a long and intimate friendship over nothing, I have no idea. There were no warning signs, there was no time for preparation. I am confused but I am still offered no explanation. I have somehow managed to make someone else believe cutting me out of their life is the best thing. How? Unspeakable things were said to me, hurtful things that I do not know if I can forgive. But while I mull over that, there is still silence. And I hate silence when there should be words. I hate time because She never tells.

My family is, in one word, a disaster. Everyone is fighting, various people are not speaking to other people, gossiping is taking place behind everyone's backs. We have become the epitome of the dysfunctional family, something unfathomable even just five years ago. We are all very close. We used to have monthly family dinners. We used to celebrate every birthday, all of us together. Then my two aunts declared war on each other, loosely connected to childhood battles and a lack of forgiveness. I somehow got involved and was given the silent treatment by the both of them. Then it was just one not speaking to me, then it was the other. This troubles me greatly, having the only female figures in my life only sometimes speaking to me and others giving me the cold shoulder or just ignoring me all together. My poor grandmother, still recovering from breast cancer, has to see her two daughters fighting like this. Neither one will go to a family dinner if they know the other will be there. Then, after some negative incidents at the cottage this summer, one aunt decided to give my father the silent treatment. She never showed up to dinners if my father was there. And, as always, my alcoholic uncle is either causing pain or chaos. We were not on speaking terms over the summer thanks to a drunken night during which he tore me and my life to shreds, swearing and screaming at me in the car all the way home from a dinner. He was getting so crude and so out of line that even my father threatened to throw him out of the car. Unfortunately, that was nothing new for me. Despite the fact that my father is usually the one around him most, I always bore the brunt of my uncle's alcoholism and always receive the most abuse.

Basically, the whole family has not been together, in the same room, for almost a year. I feel horrible for my grandmother, and I cannot seem to just let everyone else battle it out while I sit by the sidelines. They are my family. It is my business. It is affecting me. No one knows what to do. My one aunt has gotten so bad that my grandmother has told her to just not come over anymore. She is overly negative, sensitive and uptight. She never has anything good to say about anyone or anything. I feel this is because she is completely unhappy with her life, but that is no excuse to abandon or insult your family. Everyone in the family needs therapy. That is what my grandmother said to me. I agree. We are all walking on egg shells now, and I hate this feeling. At any given time, someone is upset with someone else. Sure, this is how all families are, but it is tearing mine apart because it is more than just anger. There is deep-seeded resentment, and there are repetitive problems with the same people. Everyone has just had it, and right now, everyone has just given up. I ache thinking about how to fix it all.

My relationship is one of the biggest problems. Too much fighting, too much negativity. Get out, you say? No. It is one of those situations where things are a lot more complicated than just getting out. When two people have been through so much, it is never a matter of just getting out. When two people have worked so hard and have dedicated so much to each other, there is no easy way. We continue to work on things, but we continue to have problems. We both want to be together, but we are at a loss for what is going to solve at least some of the issues we have. Distance is a very big problem. We live too far and we only see each other once a week. If it goes any longer, the fighting gets worse. Now that he is working and in school part time, and now that I am back in school full time, our time on the phone is less and less. I have no idea what to do. I do not even have any more words to describe the confusion and heartache over it all. He is not there for me like he should be. I do not feel I can confide in him. I hate feeling this way. When I am feeling down, talking to him should make me feel better, not worse. I have no idea what I deserve anymore. I have no idea if I am asking too much or too little.

School, obviously, is always a problem for me. Between my SAD and the obscene amount of homework, I have very little time for myself or anything else. I feel like all I do is read, read, read. I am getting lazy. I do not want to be in school anymore. I worked hard in elementary, I worked hard in middle school, I worked hard in high school. I worked so hard even when working that hard was not required or respected, and now I am burned out. I have had enough. I feel I have earned my degrees, and I just want out. School used to be fun and interesting for me, but now it feels more like a prison. I dread going. I am exhausted coming home and can barely stay awake to do tomorrow's readings. I cannot drop any classes. I need to just do everything I can to finish up and graduate. I feel like I will have a nervous breakdown if I do not just get out of there.

Which brings me to my father... the ongoing negative in my life. Despite the fact that I still live here, I am pretty much independent from him. And yet, this issue bothers me more than most of the others in my life. Since he started dating his current girlfriend, I have barely seen him. He is never home. He stays away for days or weeks at a time. He rarely tells me where he is going, when he will be back, or leaves a number where I can reach him. When I do see him, it is nothing but fighting and nagging. I keep this house clean, I vacuum, I wash the dishes, I change the kitty litter, I water his hundreds of plants... but I miss some crumbs on the counter and he flies off the handle at me. I feel like I live here alone, and it is too much work. I would want a smaller place if I were living alone. I do not have the time. He is becoming more and more ignorant of both me and the whole family. When he has a woman in his life, that is all he has. He is neglecting his friends. They leave annoyed messages on the machine talking about other messages they left three weeks ago without a response. He keeps changing family dinner dates in order to go to her place instead, and stupidly, my family says okay to it all. He cut short one of my uncle's birthdays just so he had more time to spend with her; he turned it into a birthday brunch instead of our normal birthday dinners. He left early on Mother's Day, even though my grandmother was upset that one of her daughters went to her husband's mother's instead, to go to her place right after dinner. If we are watching a movie in the living room and she calls, he will pause the movie without asking and proceed to talk on the phone for hours. He says I have no right to the phone anymore; we cannot share it or create phone times, but rather, he gets first dibs and I just have to deal with it, even if that means not talking to Sean. He is quite willing to go out of his way for her, no matter what for, but not even do small favours for anyone else. He promises to do something and then says he forgot, so too bad. He uses up all of the food I have made for my lunches when she comes over for lunch; I get home, it is gone, and he just says, "Yeah, we ate it." He barges into the bathroom in the morning without knocking, telling me to get out because he has to get ready for work, as if me being ready for school is unimportant. Oh, sure, little things. Little things add up.

And she, his girlfriend, is completely blind. She has heard him snap at me on the phone and has probably noticed his ill temper, but she is blind and worships the ground he walks on. I feel sorry for her. "He seems like the type to hit women." I agree, and he has thrown things at me and he has wacked me in the back of the head with rolled up magazines. I want to call her up and tell her she is dating a monster, but I suppose she may eventually find out for herself. Things with my father have just gotten so much worse over the past year, even though I thought they were already at their worst in high school. So now not only do I never see him, but when I do, it is non-stop negativity. I cannot deal with this anymore. I would move out in 24 hours if I had the money. I really would. It must be getting pretty bad, too, because a few of my family members are becoming less ignorant about the issue and finally acknowledging that he treats me like complete and utter shit.

The ongoing issues with my SAD and self-esteem. I will not even bother rambling on about my SAD since I just wrote a long entry about it. As for my self-esteem, well, it has definitely declined over the past couple of years. There are things I am not even brave enough to share that have caused its decline. But all of the issues above, in addition, have caused wear and tear on my ability to love myself. I wish I could put myself in a protected bubble so it would not get worse than it already is, but alas, that is impossible. It is especially impossible for me who sees everyone else's problems as my own problems. I help everyone but myself, and I do not know why. Every time I go to work on myself, I take one look at the stack of problems and just push them aside. There are too many things to deal with, and I have no idea where to start. There are things I have tried that have not worked, so I get discouraged. My support network is non-existent, and this is yet another reason motivation is too hard to come by. Self-love may come from within, but it is still fostered by your friends and family. I need people who will, at least, be there for me when I need to rant or release some of these emotions. Looking at how long this entry is already, you can tell there has been a lot bottled up. I need more people in my life. There is no question about that.

Sadly, the one thing that used to keep me sane throughout all of this is something I am no longer capable of: writing. Not journal entries but creatively. Prose, poetry, stories. My writing, for two years, has been non-existent. I am completely lost because of it, and I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life now because it was always writing. Writing was always my passion, the only thing I ever wanted to do. It was in my past, my present, my future. It was everything. It was my saving grace, my single 'talent,' my therapy. Lost, lost, lost. It is like someone has taken away my flashlight and I am left to find my way in complete darkness. I miss it. I think about it every day. I ache to have it back. I feel so useless without it. It almost acted as a protection from everything too. I could retreat to my room, take out a pen and feel safe again. Now I feel overly exposed, and not fully whole at all. It was so much a part of who I was that I honestly feel like pieces of me are missing or empty. It is a horrible, horrible feeling to have. What scares me most is thinking it may never come back to me. I can say over and over again that it will, but once again... time leaves me guessing and unsure.

In my life... when it rains, it pours. That is quite clear looking at the past ten years. How I am going to get through it all, I do not know. But right now, I feel so broken. I have things coming at me from all directions and I cannot control them all. There are things I have absolutely no control over, things that will continue to poke and probe me. I am obviously in a rut. I have no idea how to get out of it. Every time I feel some willpower to find solutions, something else happens and makes me question why I am even here to begin with. Over the past few months, especially, such hurtful things have been said to me, things that are making me question my personality, my character, my goodness. These things are inhumane but are they true? I no longer feel capable of thinking I am a good person. Too many people are leaving. Crying comes too easily now. I feel weakened. I am not a weak person but I feel like I am being worn down to a small twig. My branches are weighing down too heavily for me to hold up. At night, I lay awake for hours before falling asleep. I barely get any sleep at all these days. My mind races and the emotional exhaustion is what usually puts me to sleep. All of the negativity in my life keeps my mind off of school, so I take longer and longer to do what needs to be done. I just feel very trapped. I feel very unloved. Very, very unloved. (However, I do acknowledge those of you here who have always reminded me that I am never alone. You know how you are... J & M especially ♥.)

I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

It is never a good thing when I start listening to Jann Arden this often.