carnivalnights

"Smile though your heart is breaking." Nothing makes me melt faster than this man's smile. I absolutely adore this photo of him. It reminds me of everything I love about him: his passion for life, his sensitivity toward animals, his concern for children, his dedication to environmental issues, his belief in humanity despite the way he was treated by so many. How he was able to maintain such innocence in the face of adversity is something I will never understand. He never stopped caring. This man stood for everything I want to stand for in life. His smile easily brings back all of the memories I have of him and everything he has done for this planet. If people choose to overlook that, I feel sorry for them. He did so many great things while he was here, and there are so many people carrying on his tradition and spreading the love he had only just begun to spread. Michael's smile will forever remind me of everything he did and everyone we can continue to do for this planet, for humanity and for animals. ♥

The Canadian and worldwide seal hunt is, by far, one of the most disturbing examples of brutality in the history of mankind. Despite my efforts to combat this disgusting animal abuse and murder, I feel so helpless. That feeling of helplessness when it comes to animal rights is the worst feeling I experience on a regular basis. First and foremost, the killings are senseless. It is not something we need, it is wasteful and there are alternatives. To murder an animal for the sake of fashion or for any unnecessary reason is the deepest kind of heartlessness there is, and this is why I refuse to buy anything made from any sort of animal skin or fur. My concern is two-fold though. On the one hand, I am so hurt that these animals have to suffer needlessly, including all of the babies who have barely had a chance at life. Almost all that are slaughtered are under three months old. That is the most heartbreaking factor in this hunt, that hundreds of thousands of these poor animals have lost or are losing their lives. Seal pup mortality rates are increasing thanks to global warming and record-low ice; the mothers have no place to birth and the pups have no way to survive. They are already struggling; they do not need at additional hurdle to survival.

In addition, the fact that humans who can do this murdering and sleep at night is almost more disturbing than the murdering itself. I could not even stand to be in the same room as one of these hunters. I think all of my belief in pacifism would go right out the window if I ever came face to face with someone who was part of the seal hunt. I really do. I get a lump in my throat just thinking about it. I almost made myself sick looking for this photo, and I actually went out of my way to choose one that was toned down... and it was hard to find.

I am comforted by the recent European Union ban on seal product trade and also by Russian's ban on their commercial seal slaughter. The USA and Mexico have also banned the sale of seal products. These are just small steps in bringing this cruelty to an end, but at least some places are moving in the right direction. There is nothing I would love to see more, in my lifetime, than for this terrible seal hunt to end. It really is "Canada's shame." I will never be fully at peace in life until there is peace and harmony between humans and animals.

So, I just dropped a course. I dropped the only course I did not need to graduate. The guilt is eating me alive, but I also feel a sense of relief. I will not bother telling any family member about my decision because they will be unsupportive and even hostile about it. My father would kill me if he found out, so he will definitely not be informed. I was even afraid to tell Sean but I am hoping he will understand. I will still petition to get some of my money back by explaining the circumstances, but if nothing comes of it, oh well. This is what I had to do. Someone, and you know who you are, made me feel better about dropping this course because he recently decided to take some time off. Sometimes, it is just want you need to do. School can be an unbelievable burden.

This extra time will give me more flexibility in terms of getting counselling and looking into financial aid. My lack of time and abundance of school work was the number one issue preventing me from seeking counselling, now but even years ago as well. Just scheduling a time to go in for an evaluation at the university's counselling center was a hassle. Although my other classes are still heavy in terms of reading and assignments, and I am still a full-time student, I will have one less day where I am at school late in which I can schedule counselling sessions. I am going to be looking into bursaries to help pay for the rest of my education (three summer courses or approximately $4500). Those are my two things of focus right now, aside from doing well in my remaining courses.

I am unsure of everything at this point. I have no answers. I have no solutions. I just want to get into counselling and work through some of these issues. I just want someone to talk to who will not judge me or dish out useless advice, or get mad at me because I not doing this or that. At this point, I do not need anymore people who are unsupportive, negative or abusive. I may not be able to fully escape all of those things now, but I can guarantee those people will be out of my life after I move out. As I said when the incident with my father first happened, this will not blow over. I will not just forgive and forget. This goes for my uncle as well; I have barely talked to him for the past ten years because I will never, ever forgive him. Even today, my aunt disappointed me when she was completely unsupportive of my chance at a good future and insisted I was being "negative" about the school stress I am experiencing. It appears I cannot trust anyone anymore, not even my grandmother. My grandmother was the only person in my family I completely trusted, but now I am really questioning her ability to accept the truth about some of the people in this family and see the reality of the abuse I have endured.

Regardless of what happens, thank you all for being supportive throughout all of this. This is the only place I felt comfortable sharing my true feelings, and that is pathetic but also a blessing because at least I have somewhere to get my feelings out without being judged. No one here has called me melodramatic, weak or stupid. I was honestly expecting comments like that after the hundredth depressing entry. But thankfully, you are all fabulous and realize that I am not cynical and weak; I am just going through a very rough time right now and it has taken its toll on me, despite the fight I have put up.

I will not promise to stop making depressing entries seeing as I am going through a real depression, but I do hope this decision I have made lessens some of the stress. Skyler under less stress = happier entries. And speaking of happier entries, I will share the isolated happiness I experienced on October 29th, the evening Sean and I celebrated Halloween.

( an evening in pictures )

So, last night the boy and I took yet another 'road trip' in and around the city. We drove for eight hours, until five in the morning. These little trips are probably normal for everyone else, but they are a real luxury for us. At this point in time, neither of us own cars. This presents a huge strain on our relationship, as we live an hour away by bus, and it makes going places much harder. Even if we did, the nature and length of these trips would prevent them from ever becoming a regular thing, so this is good. We like to keep the trips special. It does not bother me if someone reads this and laughs.

We started off listening to good music and sipping our Raspberry-Pomegranate smoothies. One of the only destinations we had, since we like to keep things rather spontaneous, was to visit the Toronto Beaches. I had not been there for many years, so it was nice finally being back. I barely remembered what it looked like. It is like its own little town with strings of stores and restaurants all packed around beautiful scenery and, of course, close proximity to the beaches. I would love to live in this area of the city. Despite fearing water and despising sunlight, I love beaches. I suppose, for this reason, I love them even more at night. Since we were there late at night, they were virtually deserted. There were a few people along the boardwalk, but once we got on to the beach itself, we had no problem finding a small, secluded area. I almost broke my neck getting there (note to self: platforms plus sand equals bad), but it was very nice once we did. We spread our blankets out about ten feet away from the shore, sat down and took in the skyline. Later we laid back did a little stargazing while listening to the small waves crash on to the shore. It is one of the only places in Toronto that you can see the stars because there are no city lights. We even saw shooting stars. First, Sean saw one that I missed. Then I saw one that Sean missed and felt better. "Are they luck?" he asks. I nod, smiling. The breeze was cool, coming off the water, but I was warm inside and felt a content that I have probably never felt before.

After a few hours at the beach, we were freezing and decided to head back. We drove around a bit more and ended up at the very end of Toronto's most popular street, Yonge Street. It leads to a dead end road surrounded by dark woods, but it really is a gem of a parking spot. If you look up, you can see millions of stars. The skies were so clear and the stars seemed endless. I have never seen so many in my entire life. It was beautiful. Also, along the way, I saw my very first wild bat. ♥ We also saw a baby fox run across the street. Oh, and a bunny.

As we drove back, Sean said he was hungry and stopped at a 24-hour Dominion. Instead of coming back with food for himself, he came back with red roses for me. I blushed, thanked him and made sure to tell him he was learning. (This was not meant in a demeaning way but in a genuine, appreciative way.) He also bought some gummy bears, which kept us held over until we got back to my place. We really just wanted to collapse when we got home because we were both exhausted, so we relaxed for a bit until he had to go back home. All in all, the evening was amazing. Dare I say 'magical'? I had no idea that word was even in my vocabulary...

These pictures are terribly boring and horribly taken, but they are all we have. The night setting does not seem to work many wonders at all. Next time I might borrow my father's SLR...

I honestly will learn how to take better pictures, but these will have to do for now. I wish there were more of Salem (they grey one is Shadow), but because he is so dark and my camera is such crap (in terms of flash and zoom), he makes it very hard to take pictures. Poor thing. *covets them both*

( kitty picspam )