carnivalnights

So I had no choice but to take a month hiatus from LiveJournal. I have been doing three summer courses at once, full time, and that have left me with virtually no social life, no free time, and a severe lack of Internet time. This is why I have been absent for a month.

Things at university are coming to a close. Two of my courses end next week, and my final university course ends at the end of August. After that, I will be a university graduate... the first in my family, actually, which people keep reminding me. I will hold an Honors B.A. in English and an Honors B.A. in Communication Studies. My actual convocation is in October, so I assume it will not fully sink in until then. I have no big plans or celebrations in mind. I really need to get a job as soon as possible because my summer job will be ending at the start of September. That means I will not have a dollar to my name. If I want to be out of this place by Christmas, I need to get a job sooner rather than later. But I still want at least two weeks of freedom. I plan to just relax.

University, by far, will be my largest accomplishment. I knew from a very young age that I wanted to go to university and in just one month, I will have made my biggest dream come true. I have come very, very far. I have worked very, very hard. When I first told my counselor about these three summer courses, she was mortified. She knew I had a lot on my plate already, emotionally and psychologically, and she advised against it. She knew things were rough at home with my father, she knew I was having problems in my relationship, she knew I was struggling with my SAD, she knew I was battling old demons like my mother's death, she knew I was dealing with constant family problems like my uncle. She was really concerned for me taking on such a work load but I assured her I could do it.

I had my last counseling session with her this past Thursday (since I will no longer be a student, I cannot make use of her services). She was floored I had come this far and told me she was proud of me. That is something I will never hear at home so I appreciated hearing it from her. She said she honestly did not think any human being could have done what I have done this summer and that I was a very strong person... not just for accomplishing what I set out to do with a huge workload but because I did it while so much else was going on in my life. I think the most hurtful thing that has ever been said to me is that I am not a strong person. And although that comment still bothers me, simply because it was my aunt who said it, I know it is utterly false. I know I am strong. I have had to be strong. There has been no other choice for me, and I am glad I have turned to my own inner strength instead of drugs, alcohol or any other vice. I really resent my aunt, of all people, for saying something like that. It just goes to show no one in my family knows a damn thing about my life or how hard it has been for me.

Completing university is just going to be the biggest dream for me, especially because of how hard I have worked. A couple of weeks ago, I received a letter from the Dean advising me that I once again made it on the Academic Achievement List, which puts me in the top 5% at my university. The first time I made it into this percentage, I brushed it off. But really, why should I do that? That is a really hard thing to do, and I should credit myself for working so hard to get there. I am not even talking about 'bragging' to people about it; I am really too humble a person to desire that. I am just talking about accepting it myself and patting myself on the back instead of saying, "Oh, it's just a fluke." After five years, I need to just give myself a break and forget about the fact that my father does not care. I do not need his approval. His support and encouragement has never been there, and it is never going to happen. So I need to just move on and forget about him. I need to start realizing how much I have truly accomplished in terms of education and although there will be many more battles in terms of job hunting and finding my niche, at least this is one goal down.

There are, of course, things I would have done differently. I have not been impressed with all of my grades, there are assignments and essays I could have worked harder on, there are courses I definitely would not have taken had I known how horrible they would be. I should have taken Professional Writing instead of English. I should have tried to make more contacts while I was in school. I should have signed up for the school paper. I think the biggest disappointment is my GPA. I told myself as long as I graduate with Honors that does not matter, but it does, deep down. It would have been nice to graduate with a summa cum laude degree (in Canada, 8.0 or above out of 9.0). I have no idea why mine seems so low. I have done well every year... now I will be too embarrassed to even include it on my resumé. I should not dwell on something like that but again, this is the critical part of myself coming out. No matter how well I do, I think to myself I could have done better. If I was not 'the best,' there is room for improvement. I am sure a lot of you know how this self-torture cycle goes.

Anyway, the point is, I am still proud of myself despite the above anxieties. I cannot believe this will all be over in a month. I will need a long break before doing my masters, no question about that.

I was re-hired by my old boss so I am working at my university again. I will be there until the end of August with almost full time hours, so I will need to somehow balance that with finishing off my final course. If I somehow managed to get through the workload I had this summer, I guess I can somehow manage to get through this too...

Not that anyone really cares, but a list of my university courses for this year, starting in September:

The Renaissance Theatre of Transgression (English)
This course offers an intensive study of the drama of the English Renaissance and of the literary, cultural, and historical contexts in which the plays were produced. It emphasizes the theatrical performance of transgression, and focuses in particular upon the marvellous, subversive, and disruptive activities of witches, magicians, and other supernatural figures. Examining dramatic treatments of what was the object of intensive public interest and inquiry throughout the period, this course will show how these transgressive figures engaged with and shed light upon contemporary religious, social, intellectual and political issues.

New Directions in Interactive Art and Entertainment (Social Science)
This course will study the design, development and delivery of interactive art & entertainment works. Examples will be drawn from Canada as well as from across the world. Interactive Art & Entertainment encompass a variety of genres, and forms. When we use these terms we may be referring to interactive installations, interactive films on DVD, web-based documentaries, games on consoles, theme-based interactive experiences, to name a few. While many courses in both universities and private colleges focus on the development of Interactive Art & Entertainment, not many focus on how we critically assess these works. To keep a new art form vibrant and evolving, we need to develop equally vibrant and evolving means for discussing and critiquing these specific works of art. This course seeks to create a critical framework within which we can analyze interactive art & entertainment works.

Visualizing Ourselves, Visualizing Others: Media, Representation and Culture (Anthropology)
This course interrogates the relationship between media and culture. It focuses on media representations in different cultural contexts in order to develop critical analytical skills for understanding the processes through which identities and social inequalities are produced, contested and transformed. We live in a media saturated society. In our everyday lives, we are bombarded by media images through newspapers, television, film, radio, the internet, and/or billboards. However, we seldom pause to think about the relationship between media, ourselves and others. What is being communicated? How do media affect understanding of ourselves and others? Is the increasing presence of media creating a global, homogenized culture or preserving cultural diversity? The first semester will introduce students to different theoretical approaches to the relationship between representation, culture, media and identity. Next, we investigate the complex area of media reception. In the second semester, we shift the focus to interrogate different genres of media, such as: the news, soap operas, reality TV, the internet and horror films in order to see how representations of identities and events are constructed, contested and transformed in different contexts.

Studies in Prose Fiction: Virginia Woolf (English)
This course concentrates on seven novels by Virginia Woolf, possibly the most celebrated of British women Modernists, and considers her short stories, biographies, essays, diaries and her circle of literary acquaintances.

Sorry for the long descriptions!

I had absolutely no interest in taking Studies in Prose Fiction: Virgina Woolf, but it was the only that was not full (I wonder why!) during my time of registration even though I had about five back-ups. I have nothing against Virgina Woolf, really, but I have no interest in studying a single person for an entire year or even half a semester. Sorry. The English course I really wanted to get into was full, and that was Studies in Contemporary Drama. I absolutely adored Modern Drama, which I took first year, so I was really looking forward to that but whatever. Asshats. Also, the other Communications course I wanted to take, Communication & Management of Change in Organizations, gave me a schedule conflict. I took a course last year with the professor teaching this course, he was hilarious, entertaining and knew what he was talking about... so I really wanted to get into this one. He said taking the one I did last year would really help me out too, so I was pretty bummed. I know it would have been extremely practical and useful. *sigh*

Looking over the courses, I noticed that there are no exams listed for Renaissance Theatre. I hope that was not a mistake because the percentages (assignments) add up to 100. It does have a nice 3,000 word essay though, which should be great fun. Hah. But who cares, it's better than two exams.

This week in my Film, Television & Society class, we had a lecture on "Queer Television." (Yes, I was overly excited and did all of my readings.) The only screening listed on the syllabus was an episode of Ellen (the coming out episode). So of course, I was blown away when I got to class and found out my professor was going to air an episode of Queer As Folk too (the UK version). Since I have seen the entire UK series, when I found out which episode it was my mouth dropped. Episode Four, Series One. The episode that includes fully-clothed but fairly graphic make-out, handjob and blowjob scenes.

Of course, during these sex scenes there was the expected giggling and whispering. I understand that is what people do when they are uncomfortable, but most of these people are 23 years old. Get over it. If sex still makes you giggle, you really need to suck it up and deal. Honestly. I'd rather you just sit there paralyzed and stunned than giggle. Gay sex, straight sex... it is all the same. Honestly. There are different sexual dynamics but it is still all just sex. Besides, there were not even a bunch of penises flying around on the screen. There was absolutely no nudity. (In this sense, I think the US series took a few more risks. I found the sex scenes a bit more graphic.)

To say the least, I was impressed. I should not have to be impressed that a gay-themed show was shown to me at school but you know. And I have to admit... I eventually started to feel uncomfortable because I was so comfortable. I felt so out of place in that room because while I was sitting there thinking, "Hot!" other people were thinking, "Um, ew. Are they allowed to show this?!" (Despite the fact that it is university, I can imagine a bunch of students still living at home told their parents they saw a boy-on-boy blowjob in class.) And I felt out of place again when I was the only person who raised my hand in tutorial when my TA asked who had seen Queer As Folk before. Perhaps I was not the only one and the others were just too embarrassed. Who knows. The point is, it is ridiculous that I even have to feel out of place at all. Obviously I do not let it bother me to an extreme extent (otherwise I would not have put up my hand either), but it is still there in the back of my mind and it is bothersome. I was also the only one in tutorial who knew what heterosexism was. What is that? Where is the awareness here?

It was just a real eye-opener. On my way home, I looked out the window of the bus and thought, 'One day... one day I hope people can watch same-sex kissing/sex without batting an eyelash. One day I hope people wake up and realize that gay or straight, sex is a normal and natural part of life. There is nothing uncomfortable about it.' I have no idea why, but gay sex has never bothered me and it never will. Even when I was very young and exploring online, I never thought "ew" of homosexuality or any of its elements. (I recall an entry I wrote where I was about five years old and got upset with my aunt and dad for harassing a man who they thought was gay by triggering their car alarm every time he walked by.) I know it is judgmental of me to wonder how anyone could feel differently, but I suppose it is just because it upsets me so much that there is still such an inequality. Why is that you will only see gay sex airing on subscription television and yet CityTV, a local free channel, plays softcore straight porn before midnight? And why the hell did Ellen get cancelled simply because her character came out of the closet? Why can you count the amount of same-sex kisses that have happened on prime time television on one or two hands? How has Will & Grace aired for eight seasons without a single real gay kiss or a single committed, long-term relationship for either Will or Jack? Did either of them experience any real discrimination or other gay issues? If you are going to create gay characters, make them gay. Gay is not only what those characters are, but suppressing or ignoring (or in some cases, converting-to-straight) their reality is just silly. Yes, yes, these shows are meant to entertain... but if you have the chance to speak to an audience and spread awareness, why would you not take advantage of that?

Bottom line: thumbs up to my professor for having the balls to show Queer As Folk to a lecture hall of hundreds of students. It was the first show to take as many risks as it did, and if it were not for that show, Queer As Folk US would never have existed either. The show crossed every boundary possible. It even shocked gay audiences. It was unapologetic, real and revolutionary. Shows like Will & Grace try to normalize homosexuality by turning a character like Will into a straight-acting gay--he's rich, he's white, he's handsome, he's successful. Shows like Queer As Folk a raw and portray deeply complex and three-dimensional characters. Shows like Queer As Folk expose gay minorities too, like seniors and those struggling financially. The show (both the UK and US version) is a very important part of gay history and gay television, and it definitely deserved to be shown at this lecture.