This will be long. You have been warned.
Just writing this, I am trying to think of how I can possibly organize my thoughts. I am a wreck. I have been a wreck for the past twelve days. I have barely held it together long enough to get through work each day. Michael Jackson's death has affected me more than I ever imagined it would. In fact, I never thought about him dying, ever. I think, for some, this is why it was even harder to accept. For some reason, immortality and Michael Jackson seem to go hand in hand. How could Michael Jackson ever die? He is too special, too beloved, too important. How could he be taken, this man who has dedicated his life to making us smile, inspiring us, and helping the planet and those in need? I think a lot of people have just been taken aback, shocked, breathless. For one of the first times since this happened, I was truly angry and demanding answers from no one in particular.
To some people, it may seem confusing. I have been offended, in a sense, when people contort their face and ask me, "Why?" On the other hand, I honestly do not care who gets it and who does not. Michael would not want me to worry about what others think. I am not embarrassed to admit this has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. Some people do not understand why I am taking this so hard or why it matters so much to everyone else. I have never met the man, he was not part of my family bloodline, and yet his death hit me like I did know him, like he was part of my family. Unfortunately, the people who do not understand why most of the world is upset are the people who only see Michael Jackson as a mere (but spectacular) entertainer. Michael was so much more than that, but sadly, his humanitarian efforts were nowhere near as highlighted in the media as his tribulations. Of course. A lot of people do not bother to get facts straight and just believe whatever the media tells them. Michael put to rest many of the rumors surrounding him but a lot of people just did not care, and I never understood why. He was an amazing father, a loyal brother, a respectful son, and he truly cared about the state of this planet and the people in it. He looked beyond race, beyond gender, beyond class. He brought people together. Look how many people he brought together today, and he is no longer even alive. While we were taking, taking, taking from him, he was giving, giving, giving to those in need. We should be grateful that someone used their fame for such good causes. We rarely see it. He somehow managed to give us all something important to believe in and he was so dedicated to both his craft--his music, his songwriting, his dace--and his efforts to change the world. And he did change the world, in many ways.
Before the memorial even started, I took off work early and I cried on the way home. It was one of the few times in my life I have just been completely unable to control it in public. Michael has been the only artist playing on my iPod, so listening to his voice did not help matters but I listened anyway. And then "Smile" came on and the tears just started to fall. No one will ever sing that song the way Michael did. Thank you, Charlie Chaplin. I proceeded to cry for six hours straight beyond my commute. My entire face is swollen and sore. Throughout the past twelve days, one thing that has been repeated in my mind is, 'My god, this pain.' It seems to unbearable even though things could be so much worse. Right now, nothing else seems to matter.
The memorial at Staples Centre. I was terrified. I was terrified it would turn out to be a circus of celebrities and the attention would be taken away from Michael. I was afraid of the performers doing a bad job. I was afraid of the speakers not saying enough. I was afraid negative things might be highlighted, even though that is in such bad taste. I was afraid of what the thousands of fans would do. I was scared it would get out of control or that fans would run up to the casket. I was even scared a lot of it would be staged and that no one would show any emotion, including withholding any tears or crying. Well, I was blown away. I was impressed. The memorial was somber, tasteful and beautiful. Most importantly, it was respectful. It honoured Michael the way he should have been honoured. It was not over the top, it was not tacky, and I feel in my heart that Michael would have been proud. People told wonderful stories about Michael and really highlighted his achievements, something that really had not been done by the media thus far. They are mentioned only in passing, an an aside to all of the trials and tribulations that seemed to make even the supposed tribute pages or articles. This memorial said what should have been said from day one. Many people have mentioned the way it humanized Michael Jackson and turned him into a person instead of a celebrity, and I agree. It revealed him in his every day life instead of his career. The stories told shows us how much he touched others' lives and how much he has inspired so many other artists. Seeing footage from people all over the world watching the ceremony made it even more meaningful, to have that sense of collectivity no matter where you were or who you were. It was one of the most moving experiences I have ever had, watching this memorial.
I got home and immediately turned on the news, two hours before the memorial would actually start. I watched CNN's coverage because despite not being a fan of their network, I knew they would have the best and longest coverage due to the way they have been hovering over the Jackson story thus far. By the time I got to work at 7a.m., they were already at Staples Centre broadcasting live. By 11a.m., they were showing footage from the Staples Centre and also of Forest Lawn in Hollywood Hills where the private service was being held. Although it felt wrong to intrude, media were not allowed to get close so most of it was from helicopter view and I felt that was okay. I could not help it; I wanted to see. This is actually the first time in my life I have been hooked to media coverage. I feel so guilty about it, but at the same time, I did not get wrapped up in it for the wrong reasons. For example, the last thing I was interested in was new gossip that surfaced. I was simply looking for comfort and I have wanted to surround myself with all things Jackson. I just keep thinking, 'Michael, I hope you don't mind.' He hated the media, understandably, and I feel he has been disrespected and exploited even in death by the media. I have been appalled at some of the newspaper articles and documentaries, all highlighted more bad times than good and not focusing on his achievements at all but rather the media circus that followed him for forty years. So part of me feels guilty but the other part knows I am just a dedicated fan seeking closure and seeking the few moments the media is kind.
Stakes were raised after the private service was over and, out of nowhere, we saw the casket. Suddenly there it was, Michael Jackson in this $25,000 gold and royal blue casket, the top completely covered with beautiful red flowers. Even the newscasters seemed shocked. To actually see the casket just blew me away. I had no idea up until late this morning that the casket was going to the Staples Centre, which made me even more sad not to have tickets. I just thought how it would have made me feel to be in the presence of his body one more time before it was buried, as morbid as that sounds. I would have felt so privileged, and I hope every fan who was lucky enough to go treasures that fact forever. Michael's family was truly generous in allowing that casket to go to the public memorial, especially since I know they were against it up until recently. I think they knew how much it would mean to the fans, and all those watching, to actually see the casket. It just means more when the man you are paying respects to is actually there. You want to believe he was in there listening, smiling.
I enjoyed the speakers much more than the performers. I thought all of the speakers were amazing in their own way, especially Reverend Sharpton and Berry Gordy. Sharpton pointed out that Michael was a man that "taught the world how to love," and I could not agree more. So many of his songs focused on looking beyond appearances or doing the right thing. He sang about seeing beyond racial lines, caring for the environment, being against gang violence, serving children in need and having hope for the future. He spent his entire life donating to charities and visiting and spending time with those less privileged. He gave opportunities to people who normally would not have access to them. He truly did teach this world how to love, or at least taught those who were smart enough to listen while he was alive. The most important thing Sharpton pointed out was that "Michael never let the world turn him around from his dreams." No matter what happened, Michael never stopped making music. Looking back at all of the horrible things that happened to him and the media circus that followed him and tortured him for so many years, I can imagine it would have been so easy to say, 'Okay, that's enough. I'm done.' He sometimes needed to escape, but he always came back. And we could all really learn from this and keep the lesson with us to inspire us. I do not believe anyone should give up on their dream, and no matter what the media did to Michael and no matter what non-fans said or did, he never stopped being who he was or stopped making music. I feel the need to include parts of Sharpton's speech (I typed this out myself so excuse any inaccuracies):
..."He never gave up dreaming. It was that dream that changed culture all over the world. When Michael started, it was a different world. But because Michael kept going, because he didn't except limitations, because he refused to let people decide his boundaries... he opened up the whole world. In the music world, he put on one glove, pulled his pants up and broke down the colour curtain... It was Michael Jackson that brought blacks and whites and Asians and Latinos together. It was Michael Jackson that made us sing "We Are the World" and feed the hungry long before Live Aid. Because Michael Jackson kept going, he created a comfort level where people that felt that they were separate became interconnected with his music... Michael made us love each other, Michael taught us to stand with each other... Michael rose to the top. He outsang his cynics. He outdanced his doubters. He outperformed the pessimists. Every time he got knocked down, he got back up. Every time we counted him out, he came back in. Michael never stopped! Michael never stopped! Michael never stopped! ...I want his three children to know: wasn't nothin' strange about your daddy. It was strange what your daddy had to deal with. But he dealt with it. He dealt with it anyway. He dealt with it for us. ... I came to say thank you. Thank you because you never stopped. Thank you because you never gave up. Thank you 'cause you never gave out. Thank you 'cause you tore down our divisions. Thank you 'cause you eradicated barriers. Thank you 'cause you gave us hope. Thank you, Michael. Thank you, Michael. Thank you, Michael."
Certainly, his "strange" quote won everyone over and the crowd was clapping in a standing ovation. He nailed it. He so nailed it. It brought me to tears, those lines, and his kids were smiling and clapping. That quote will be remembered forever because it really encompasses everything important about Michael and his death. Let us focus on all of his accomplishments and lay the rumors to rest. Allow his children to remember who he truly was and not what some people tried to frame him as. I am not religious at all but Reverend Sharpton is a very powerful speaker and I am so glad he was there.
Again, I am not religious, but for some reason Stevie Wonder got to me too, in big time: "I do know that as much as we may feel--and we do--that we need Michael here with us, God must have needed him far more." The whole time this has been happening, I keep wondering
why. I have no answer other than, "Life is unfair." I, too, feel like I needed Michael here. It is so selfish. I truly felt, after his death, a gaping hole in my heart, like something had been taken away from
me. But if I were religious, it would be nice to think he was taken because there was another purpose for him elsewhere, an even more important one. I have no idea what I believe in terms of afterlife, but I can only hope Michael is happy and at peace wherever he is now. I understand why people of faith want to think these things after this memorial. I understand how it can be comforting even though I am not religious myself. It was a very moving quote from Stevie and it somehow made me feel better.
I thought it was so beautiful that the brothers wore the sequined gloves and aviator sunglasses. That was so adorable. Jermaine had tears in his eyes while he sang "Smile," Michael Jackson's favourite song. It must have been so hard to sing and choke back tears at the same time. He almost did cry right at the end and had to pause for a moment, and it was just so moving. I really want to thank Jermaine because he has really taken the reins with the media and has been the voice we have heard on behalf of the family. It must have been hard over the past couple of weeks to speak about Michael and keep us informed, but he did and I hope he knows how much we all appreciate it. I also love the fact that he has been vocal about wanting Michael buried at Neverland Ranch, a place Michael created so he did not gave to grow old or die (metaphorically speaking). It would be so wonderful if they turned Neverland into a place like Graceland, where Michael's body and grave could be placed, and where the ranch itself could contain actual items from his time there. I know it will likely not happen, due to various laws, the issue of money/upkeep and the fact that it is in the middle of nowhere, but I liked that Jermaine wanted this as much as I and many other fans likely do. I really, really want Michael to be buried in a place we can visit and not simply behind a gated area that no one but family can visit. Although I respect the family's right to privacy, I feel Michael is too much of a global and historical figure to keep locked away where people cannot go to mourn.
Berry Gordon was great:
...And when Michael performed his songs, you could feel the happiness in his soul because that's what he loved to do... [referring to the Motown 25th Anniversary Special] And when he did his iconic moonwalk, I was shocked. It was magic... Michael Jackson accomplished everything he dreamed of. At 10 years old, he had passion. He had passion to be the greatest entertainer in the world, and he was willing to work as hard, to do whatever it took, to become what he indeed became: the undisputed King of Pop... Michael loved creating what had never been done before. He loved everything and everybody, especially his fans... In fact, the more I think and talk about Michael Jackson, I feel 'the King of Pop' is not big enough for him. I think he is simply the greatest entertainer that ever lived.
I was actually thinking "Gone Too Soon" would not be performed because it was Michael's dedication to Ryan White, but I was secretly hoping someone would sing it because it fitted the event so well. And it was performed. I am not a fan of Usher but he did a great job. His performance was quite emotional. Seeing him so choked up and crying while trying to sing was awful. You could tell he was obviously very attached to Michael; it was not the first time that I had heard was a very big inspiration to Usher. Usher and Justin Timberlake have mentioned that several times, even before he died. I think everyone was captivated when he came down off the stage to touch Michael's casket. It was very, very moving. He was actually singing while looking at the casket first too, which was beautiful. But yes, as soon as he put that hand on the casket, people cheered. It was a great moment.
When Marlon Jackson came up to the mic, his face said it all. I knew it was going to be heartbreaking. Everyone looked so upset. We never saw La Toya's face throughout the entire memorial; she was wearing a large hat that covered her face almost completely. Janet's lip kept quivering and she did not take off her sunglasses. His mother, Katherine, did not take her sunglasses off either. Marlon tore me apart:
We will never, ever understand what he endured. Not being able to walk across the street without a crowd gathering around him. Being judged, ridiculed. How much pain can one take? Maybe now, Michael, they will leave you alone.
All I could do was nod my head as tears rolled down my cheeks. I was so passionate in agreement that I would have thrown my hands up in the air if I did that sort of thing. As I said in my eulogy, Michael sacrificed so much. There has been no entertainer, no personality, no celebrity that has been more ridiculed than Michael Jackson. There is no question about that. That poor man endured so many ruthless media attacks, and many of his songs revealed how much it tore him apart. The defense attorney that served Michael Jackson during his trials, Thomas Mesereau, spoke of how awful the allegations were on Michael (in
Man in the Mirror): "Michael Jackson was the best client you could have in courtroom. He was very humble, he was very down to earth, very decent and very quiet. And I think this trial and this entire case took a terrible toll on him emotionally and physically... Sometimes he would call me at three in the morning, crying, terrified about what would happen to his children. On verdict day, he looked like death warmed over... He sat there on a daily basis watching accusations hurled at him suggesting he was an insensitive monster, and I know that it tore him to pieces. He survived it with fourteen acquittals, but was damage done to his soul, to his spirit, to his gentle, kind way of looking at the world? I suspect so." This is exactly why thinking about him being in a better place, free from it all, gives us some comfort. The trials were simply
one of the thousands of accusations, rumors and other unfair and false attacks on him. To put up with that day after day, wow. Some suggest he was not strong enough to deal with the backlash, but I disagree. He kept going after that. He had 50 concerts sell out in five hours years later. Obviously the true fans continued to support him and appreciated his resilience to negativity because they wanted to see and hear more from him. "The show must go on." That must have been something he lived by.
After a big family hug on stage, Paris spoke. No one will ever forget Paris. There could not have been a dry eye in that Centre or anywhere in the world where people were watching. She was obviously shaken but had the courage to speak anyway: "Ever since I was born, Daddy has been the best father you could ever imagine, and I just wanted to say that I love him... so much." I could have ripped out my own heart right there; it was so painful to see. No one will ever forget it and I am sure it will serve as the headline tomorrow for a lot of papers. And boy, did I feel her pain on a personal level. I know what it is like to have your parent taken away at such a young age. I can only imagine how hopeless she is feeling right now because the most important person in her life was taken from her. I can only imagine what it would be like to lose such a kind, gentle, selfless parent like Michael Jackson. She was probably thinking about all of the milestones her father will miss in her life, like her graduation and wedding. I know I have. The poor girl. All of his children. He must have been so good to them. I can only go by what I have seen in pictures and heard others say about his parenting... and from all of that, I gather he was a damn good father, completely devoted to his children and wanting them to have a safe and fulfilling life. I have heard countless times that one of the main reasons for the comeback concerts was so that his children could see him perform one last time. If there is one regret I will have for the rest of my life, it is not ever seeing Michael Jackson concert. I feel so horrible that this happened right in front of these concerts set to start in two weeks. It may have been easier to take had he just had the chance to put on the shows he was practicing so hard to perfect.
I really enjoyed the memorial and as I said, I am such Michael would have loved hearing all of those old stories and appreciative words. I do not regret taking most of the day off work to watch it. It was absolutely worth it. Now, my task will be either waiting for it to come out on DVD or finding someone who is already selling it. I would love all of the before and after footage from CNN too because I only have bits and pieces; my PVR kept filling up and stopping the recordings because it is hours of footage that I was trying to record.
I am scared to say the memorial made me feel a little bit better because I have said that every day for the past twelve days, that 'I will feel better tomorrow,' and nothing has changed. I have felt completely broken for almost two weeks and keep praying I will wake up and it will be easier. I think the memorial provided me with some closure, but at the same time, the toxicology results are still to come and it was suggested by one reporter that the family may not even release the results. He has a point. The family may already know but do not want it in the news for obvious reasons. I know I will not stop following the news. I just somehow need this closure. If I find out someone is accountable for his death, which is not out of the question since Propofol is not supposed to be given outside of a hospital. If they can pinpoint who gave him the drug, and that drug had to do with his cardiac arrest, that person could be charged with manslaughter. Liza Minnelli told CBS, "When the autopsy comes, all hell's going to break loose, so thank God we're celebrating him now." I hate to say it, but she could be right. If the results are released, no matter what they are, I think people are going to feel the pain all over again. And I am scared what we are going to find out. Really, in this case, there is not going to be any "better" result. Either way, it is going to be heartbreaking and it is going to be bad. It will be bittersweet. We want to know for closure, but we do not for fear of what could be revealed.
Well, enough of those depressing ponderings. For now, I really hope I feel better tomorrow. I should rephrase that: I do not hope I wake up and feel nothing, of course. I just hope I am able to channel my grief into something therapeutic and creative, to help me deal with it. I know this will take a lot longer than two weeks to process. I am just not sure how much longer I can drag myself out of bed feeling the way I do, so the best thing for me would be to find other outlets and
do something with this grief and loss instead of swimming in it. Sometimes, all it takes is an image in my head of his smile. No one can deny the power of that smile. He had such a beautiful, contagious smile.
I miss you, Michael. I love you.
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