Swallowed in the sea

So, it has been over a week since school started. If you missed my courses post, that is here. I am pretty scared about my classes this year. I thought my previous reading loads were bad... but nothing will top this year. I have one novel and one play per week, every week, plus textbook and course kit readings for my other two classes every week, usually 50-100 pages/week each, sometimes more. Plus, I have presentations in every class in addition to the three essays for each as well. I am really in over my head here. As I predicted, even the courses that sounded great now appear dull and reading-heavy. I am really worried since this could be my last year (praying I get into and complete the couple of summer courses I need). Am I worried about employers? No, not really. I know all they care about is the fact that you have a degree. But I promised myself I would graduate with honours. Even before I was accepted, I promised myself this and I intend to go through with it. Also, if I later go for my Masters, you must be an honours student. That is more of a stress factor because I am almost positive I am going to get my MA as soon as I save up money from working.

On Friday, I had a panic attack at school. This is nothing new, of course, but the attack was pretty bad. The classroom I am in on Friday is tiny packed with 30 students. We are thigh-to-thigh in uncomfortable wooden chairs. I move and I knock someone on either side of me. There are floor-to-ceiling windows that do not open, so the room fills with heat from the sun but there is not air circulation in the room. I also suffer from something called sensorary defensiveness, and I have an obscene sensitively to light... so I have the light coming in from the window in my eyes as well as the lovely fluorescent lighting above. Obviously, by the time I get out of this three-hour class, I am tired, hot and irritated. This does not prepare me well for when I venture outside and mull my way through the mobs of rushing students, hundreds of them coming at me and milling behind me. It was a hot day too, and even my sunglasses were not shading my eyes enough from the sun as I squinted and felt my body begin to sweat. I was gasping for breath but tried to hide it. What I really wanted to do was run, but there were students everywhere and there was nowhere to hide. As I got on to the bus, things just got worse. I was very close to tears. The bus was packed, people were pushing, and traffic was bad. I almost got off the bus because I knew I was having an attack and I was embarrassed because I knew my face was beet-red and I had to keep wiping the sweat from my forehead. I could feel them all staring. After I transferred on to the second bus and was at my stop, I flew down the stairs and down an alleyway that is not particularly safe but it is always empty. I wanted to stop and rest but I also just wanted to get upstairs and collapse. And that is exactly what I did.

The attack exhausted me both mentally and physically. I had a short cry when I got into my room. I changed into pajamas and tried to control my breathing. I wanted to talk to someone but there was no one to call. And even if there was, there was no one who would not judge me and just understand how horrible it is to have SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) and that it is not my fault. A conversation I had with Sean later just assured my thoughts that I honestly do not have anyone in my life who is sympathetic to what I go through and understanding of the fact that counseling has not helped me in the slightest. I am hesitant to go back for these reasons. I also so not want a bunch of pills shoved in my face because this is not a simple chemical imbalance. My SAD is closely connected to my low self-esteem, I know this by now. And pills will not fix my self-esteem. I refuse to go back on any medication. I completely refuse. I want to get to the root of the problem and fix it from there, not just brush a glossy coat over the surface and pretend I am okay. I know I cannot go through the rest of my life like this. I am well-aware, thank you very much. But I am at a loss for what to do next. Nothing seems to work for me.

I am also scared. No one has ever understood this disease or what I go through, and I feel like any counselor is just going to think I am over-exaggerating, making things up, or whatever else. I need someone completely open-minded who is not going to judge me. I am sick of being judged, pushed into things I am not comfortable doing, or told that I am never going to be successful in life. I am so sick of people being inconsiderate about it and making assumptions about what SAD is or what I can and cannot do. Some of the people in my life think that just because I has SAD I do not talk to anyone, at school or otherwise. People think it is the reason I have no friends but it is not. People think that I am not a good person because there are certain things I cannot do that they have no problem doing. I have no idea why people act this way toward me, and I have little tolerance left for it. If I do make friends, I expect them to be understanding about my SAD and know that I will slowly do more things as I am comfortable. And I need these people to know that I need support in trying new things and getting used to social situations. I realize that I am a burden on people, but if you do not want to deal with me, leave. It is that simple. I would never demand anyone to stay if they did not understand my SAD or want to deal with it. Something else I have zero tolerance for is other people 'outing' me to their friends and trying to explain my illness to them, without knowledge of what SAD really is, without knowledge of how it personally affects me because it is different for everyone, without my permission, or while I am not even there. If you have any kind of illness, it should be your decision and your decision alone when it comes to telling people. I do not appreciate people discussing my mental health with strangers or even people I may know who I have yet to tell about my SAD. That is just pure ignorance. You do not go discussing things that personal without the person's permission. Even with their permission, it is still not your place to discuss it with anyone except that person. If you knew your friend was gay and and had issues telling people about it, would you take it upon yourself to go and discuss the issue without his/her parents without knowing whether or not he/she wanted their parents to know? No.

I have been feeling like shit lately about all of this. School, too, of course. I feel very stressed out. I need some kind of therapy. I have no idea what kind of therapy I need, but perhaps I should be looking into more unconventional ways if cognitive therapy has not worked for me in the past. (Do not forget that I have been in counseling on and off since first grade after my school found out my mother died when I was little. I think by now I would have seen some progress if this was the route for me.) Maybe something with animals? I was watching an episode of Animal Miracles (which I watch religiously, every day) where a woman, traumatized by rape, could not even leave her house due to fear. Her therapist suggested animal therapy, and the dog she adopted forced her to go outside since it needed to be walked, and at first she was terrified but it got easier and she felt safter with him by her side. They eventually trained this dog as they do guide dogs (even though she was not blind) and it was certified and allowed into stores and restaurants with her. The dog pretty much saved her life and dragged her out of the depression and trauma. I am not saying I need a guide dog but animal therapy would be something I would be willing to look into after seeing the amazing stories on this show. I never did question the therapy animals could provide, but I never thought the type of therapy I need could involve animals until now.

Basically, I am really sick of feeling this way and I am sick of the attacks. I am also sick of people being inconsiderate and ignorant when it comes to SAD. People also have to understand that I have been in counseling almost my entire life, and nothing so far has helped. So I took a break from it. Big deal. Excuse me for wanting a break from years and years of doing something that has had no positive impact on me. How silly. I need to look elsewhere to work on my SAD. And I need to find some people who are willing to stick by me throughout trying to fix it, which is going to be next to impossible, it seems.