carnivalnights

Another ex of mine got married a couple weeks ago, as I have just been informed. Shocker. This was my most recent ex, the most serious relationship I had been in up to that point. The irony is that we were going to get married, but after two years he decided he could not move here--he lived in a different province--to be with me after all. (This was after he came here with all of his packed boxes and had his furniture put into storage, by the way, only to have everything shipped back three weeks later.)

Another one bites the dust. Another person I will surely never hear from again, just as I have not heard from any other 'friends' of mine after they got married. Males, females, ex-boyfriends, everyone.

It truly is disappointing that once these people get married, they have this intense need to open a new chapter in their life but also erase all of the old ones. Is there some unwritten rule where you have to cut off contact with everyone you knew previously after you get married? And what is with the couples-can-only-hang-out-with-other-couples rule (sad and pathetic, people)? Is your partner honestly the only one who matters from that point on? That seems like a good way to set yourself up for loneliness and co-dependency, if you ask me. I have honestly not heard from any of the 'friends' I had after they got married. That was the end of our friendship, certainly not based on my wishes. I am sure not all married couples are like this but the ones I know are, and if you thought I was bitter before about marriage... this is definitely not helping.

While I understand getting married means opening a new chapter, I do not understand why that means you have to burn all of the old ones that got you there. If you no longer have a solid friendship with someone, sure. It only makes sense to let go. But when you do and the only reason you let go is because you get married, that is a pretty unsound decision. From what I have heard, you are probably going to need some good friends through the first few years of your marriage. Why would you want to suddenly cut yourself off from anyone who used to matter? People become so wrapped up with their lives once they get married that they forget they are still an individual human being and not just a "couple," with personal wants and needs that need to be met, things that cannot all be met by their partner alone.

I am certainly not condemning spending an immense amount of time with your partner, especially right after you get married. I also know how busy wedding plans make people. But after the wedding, after you settle down, do not leave hanging those who stuck around and helped you along the way, especially if you have spent a great amount of time and effort on a friendship. Thinking the only thing you have is a marriage after you get married is depriving yourself from the rest of things that matter in life. Love is a big part of what matters, but it is certainly not the only thing. It is even worse if you forget about your own hopes and dreams and only want only what both you and your partner want from that point on.

For anyone planning to get married soon, I just have a small piece of advice (and you can deem it invalid if you wish, being that I am not married): don't forget who you are or where you came from. Keep the things around that are important to you, and realize you are still an independent being with individual wants and needs. No matter where you are in life, you will always need friends. Do not be so quick to forget those who helped get you where you are today. One of the most important things you will learn after marriage is balance.

The fact that I continue confiding in people is just laughable now. I feel quite inclined to say this is a very good example of my masochism. Every person I confide in seems to have no interest, a severe bias or just a generally negative outlook on absolutely everything. I get either two reactions from every person I confide in:

1. Meaningless one-liners, even if I talk/write a lot: "Wow, that sucks."
2. Negative, blame-filled bashing instead of advice: "Well, it's your own damn fault!"

Why? Why can I not just bottle everything up or just feel relieved writing about it? Why do human beings need to talk to other people about every little emotion? I hate it. I hate the fact that I cannot control it. I honestly wish I could just not open my mouth about it, but I always do in the end. No one wants to hear it, no one wants to deal with it and no one seems to care about it. Even if I allow these people to confide in me, I still get the idiotic repsonses listed above. Again, I should just keep my mouth shut. It would solve the problem of feeling even worse every time I open up to someone.

I consider myself a very good listener and advice-giver. I honestly cannot recall a time where I have written someone off when they expressed a need for my help. Unless I knew everything about the situation, enough to assess it was the person's own fault, I would never insinuate such a thing either. And if someone wrote me an e-mail that was four pages long about a problem they were having, I certainly would not respond with one or two lines and think I had done my job. Is it just that people do not have time for anyone else? What is it? All I know is that I do not treat people that way. I put in the time and effort to respond, as positively as I can, when someone takes the time to confide in me. I feel very privileged if someone trusts me enough to ask for advice. I would not want to blow that by being presumptuous and judgmental, or worse, come across as uncaring, cold or disinterested.

I think the problem is that I am expecting people to care. I have no idea why I would have such a high expectation, even from friends, but I do sometimes. I suppose it is only natural to assume at least some people are going to care.

I wish I could say that from now on, I will just shut up about my problems and confide in no one. But alas, I know I do not have that much self-control. I will, however, be more careful in the people I choose to unload on. I think I am well aware of who cares enough about me by now to figure this out.

I need to stop going back.