Letting go

Sometimes Most of the time, I just want to turn around and ask my father, "Did you take a wrong turn somewhere in life and stumble into Bad Parenting 101?" It takes a lot of skill to perfect this kind of bad parenting. Honestly. After almost every argument I have, I am left wondering two things:

1. Why is this man not in counselling and anger management?; and,
2. How on earth does a parent say that to their own flesh and blood?

There was a big blow out on Victoria Day last weekend and we have not exchanged a single word since. Living under the same roof, you would think this would be impossible. I assure you, whatever laws of nature you may think prevent these sorts of things, we will defy. We have managed to live under the same roof for twenty-four years and still not find a way to get along or really get to know each other. And understandably, no one in their right mind has ever uttered the words "But he's your father" to me. Every person in my life, except most of my family, recognizes that the damage is done, our relationship is done, and nothing is ever going to fix it. I will not be one of those people who suddenly starts 'getting along with dad' when I move out. It will not happen because we are too far gone to be saved. Not only that, but at this point, I do not even want the relationship to be saved. I really do not. I am ready to let it go and forget him until the day he dies when I will feel more angry than sad, angry that he did not care enough to make it work, angry that even after mom died, he still could not put aside his petty defenses and just love me like a father should love his damn daughter.

Anyway, back to Victoria Day. I am not sure why it happened or even how it happened, how it got so out of hand... but it did. This was likely the worst argument that has happened since he assaulted me back in October 2006. Basically, we had a family dinner and Sean was there. On the way home after dropping Sean off, I stayed in the back seat and he turned down the stereo and just started lashing out at me. First, he kept insulting the sarcastic part of my personality. He kept calling me 'disgusting' and saying I did not know how to talk to people properly. He heard me snap at Sean once during the evening and somehow, this led to him saying I treat Sean like shit, speak to him like shit, and he has no idea why Sean is with me or how he puts up with me. Sean and I are both very open and outspoken, but we are also very witty and sarcastic people; even when we seem like we are being harsh, we are likely just kidding around. My father does not understand sarcasm or jokes. I am serious. The man has NO sense of humor at all and it is no wonder he views the banter between Sean and I as 'disgusting.' When Sean is upset with the way I am speaking to him, he will let me know, and vice versa. We do not allow ourselves to be walked on by one another. We have some communication issues, yes. Every couple does. But if you are my father, here is how you deal with issues in your own relationship: keep quiet, ignore it, and eventually you will forget about it. So no, he does not understand us being so open and honest about our feelings. It scares the hell out of him and he feels the need to insult me for being able to do it.

So my father kept going on and on how Sean is going to leave me. He kept using this word 'disgusting' and nothing I said would make him stop shaking his head and yelling. Why I even attempt to stick up for myself with him is beyond me. He said he has no idea how Sean puts up with me and that he never, ever would "put up with a woman like me." Sean has said some of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me, and does he hear these things being said on the other end of the phone? Is he eavesdropping? How the hell does he know so much about my relationship when he practically ignores my existence? He rarely ever sees Sean and I in person--how the hell does he know how we talk to each other or treat each other? I was getting more and more angry the longer he talked due to this lack of knowledge and yet never-ending judgment. So yes, he basically put down my personality and my relationship and told me Sean was going to leave me.

It did not stop there. He then proceeded to call me "one step above a pig." Interesting. My room is very small and I cannot keep things as organized as I would like, but otherwise, I am a clean person and excessively organized. Sure, I leave dishes in the sink sometimes just like anyone else. But I am no pig. The fact that he was comparing me to one was quite frightening, showing me his seriously messed up version of reality. And what father calls his daughter "one step above a pig" anyway? About two minutes later, I repeated this sentence and he denied he said it. Typical.

Then he began repeating over and over, "You have so many bad qualities. You have so many bad qualities"... like there was some kind of running list he was keeping that was getting too hard to maintain. He kept saying I had problems. He kept saying I always over-exaggerate and that I was "full of shit." But this issue of all of my "bad personality traits" got to me. It really did. I mean, just how many does he feel there are? You have to really hate someone to say something of that magnitude, especially after shitting all over them for thirty minutes straight to begin with. To tell someone they have so many bad qualities is like telling them they do not deserve basic human necessities like love and friendship. He was describing me like I was some of kind of grotesque, undeserving monster... some kind of subhuman that disgusted him to a degree he could not even describe properly because he just kept calling me "disgusting" and saying I had all of these "bad traits" but not going into detail. Well, thanks a lot, Dad! Did I once say, though, "I feel the same way about you"? No. I do though. I truly do. He disgusts me--but at least I have valid reasons to be disgusted.

The night ended with me saying "Fuck you" to him for the first time in my life. You would think with all of our intense, constant and serious arguments that I would have by now, but I have never been pushed to that point. (I take "fuck you" very seriously even though I swear constantly. I don't know why.) Even after the assault, I think I was too shocked, scared and upset to even utter anything after he finally stopped choking me. (I may have called him a psycho; I cannot remember now.) After slamming my door, he barged in and told me to start looking for a place to live. He's been threatening this since I graduated eight months ago so I am not worried. Even if he did throw me out, whatever. Good riddens. I would go and stay with my grandmother until I had a permanent job. I have been working my ass off non-stop trying to get out of this hell hole because of him. How dare he think he can threaten me and tell me he is fed up with me living here! Honestly, the nerve of him thinking he wants me gone more than I want to be gone. What a fucking moron.

So yeah, that was my long weekend. Makes me wonder how the hell I have survived this long. One day, I am going to say to him, 'I grew up learning how to live without your approval. Don't for a second think that I need it now.' He seems to think I do. Of course the whole argument really upset me. Why wouldn't it? This guy, this stranger, this so-called 'man' is supposed to be my father. When I was little and went on vacation to Germany to see my aunt, he used to go into my room and throw out stuff of mine. I had to start finding ways to lock up my dearest possessions. I kid you not. This man barged into my room and threw out my stuff while I was gone.

He has never apologized to me for anything in his life. A lot of people pretend they do not feel remorse or guilt, but I genuinely believe that he does not. He even went as far as to lie about the assault and pretend 3/4 of it never happened and pretended that I hit him. That's right, he went around telling people I hit him and that is why the fight broke out. (For the record, of course I did not hit him. What am I, a psycho?) They say one of the main signs of a sociopath is a person who does not feel remorse, and I honestly do not believe that my father feels remorse. Pathological lying. He will deny things he just said even seconds later; he will outright lie to my family about incidents that happened at home calmly and seriously, like he has convinced himself his lies are truths. And, of course, let's not forget self-serving and arrogant, only living for himself and his own needs and ignoring everyone else's. Also, what they describe as "shallow emotions": when someone shows happiness, love, joy, excitement, etc., it seems fake or acted. "Outraged at insignificant matters." Oh, yeah.

My boyfriend said to me tonight, "If you really wanted to get out of there, you would have been by now." All I have been doing for eight months is working my ass off, temping non-stop while I job hunt, trying to put a dent in my debt, trying not to lose my nerve no matter how many jobs I am turned down for or how many blows my self-esteem takes, seeing no signs of personal success even after five years of university. Like, yeah, good idea... let's move out with a temp job where the pay varies, the hours vary, and where I may be out of work for weeks or months at a time depending on the job market. Smart! Take out loans for rent and groceries, get further into debt. Sounds like a good plan. *shakes head* My boyfriend says I should take some risks and not plan everything. I'm sorry, but since when is it a good idea to move out with temporary work and no savings?! So much for being intelligent and practical. That always seems to get me nowhere and in low standing with everyone I know. How odd.

There has just been such a lack of support in my life these past eight months. People seem to think I am just sitting here happily, with the empty and tedious life of temp work and getting into worse and worse arguments with my father. Everyone has their nose in my finances. Well, no more. I will not let on where I am financially from now on, and that way no one can judge anything or dictate what I must be doing wrong. As for my father, we have not spoken two words since last weekend so I assume this is a good way to keep going. Sean thinks I am an idiot and that it is melodramatic. To cut out a toxic person in my life? How is that dumb? I realize we live under the same roof but this week has been fine to completely ignore each other, so it is possible to do.

People are so quick to judge. Even if they have the exact same problems as you, they are quick to start criticizing you and telling you what you should/should not be doing. But never would they think about taking their own advice.

Despite trying to be strong throughout all of this, I do wonder what damage the relationship with my father has already done. No stable father-figure in my life, no mother-figure. I start wondering how I have raised myself and how well I have raised myself. I thought everyone needed parents. I thought everyone needed parents to provide more than a roof over their head, but apparently that need just skipped right over me because I grew up without both parents. One dead and one alive but completely absent from my life, even under the same roof. It makes me wonder, now that I am older, what internal damage it has left behind and what 'issues' I currently have that it caused or contributed to. Issues with trusting men, issues with allowing myself to be vulnerable with others, issues with always wanting to be completely independent, issues with privacy, issues with automatic defensiveness.

It makes me angry that something everyone is entitled to was taken away from me. I have no idea what my father was thinking when he decided to keep me after my mother died. He never wanted to be a father and he wanted my mother to get an abortion; he has told me. He should have adopted me out to a family who actually wanted a child.