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Terminated
Mar. 13th, 2010 06:28 pm
Okay, so, it is official: I will be unemployed as of 15:30 March 31, 2010. I got called into the boardroom Friday morning and told that they will not be renewing my contract, much to my entire department's dismay and to my own personal nightmare-come-true. I knew there was a chance they would not renew me (though I figured it was a very small chance since we are already short-staffed, but who am I kidding? No company cares about their employee well-being!), so I had been job hunting already as I mentioned in another entry. But wow. This really does it. This really ruins everything. Had I found another job, it would mean nothing. I would be happy to leave that hell hole. But now? Now it ruins everything and I am back at square one, right where I started out of university three years ago. Jobless, temping and hunting furiously.
I made a vow I would never go back to temping again. It was the worst experience to be doing that for almost two years (on and off), and every time I thought about it, it made me cringe. When this current contract was offered to me, I had stability even if only for a year and I frequently thought back to where I was the previous year. It made me sick to my stomach. I was going from job to job every week or two and making scraps, barely enough to survive on without rent costs. And here I am, right back there again in two weeks time. I cannot believe it.
I cannot believe after all this, after all of my hard work there and the fact that they need me, they are just terminating me. I should not say they need "me" but rather all of us. Any time someone is away, off sick or on vacation, the department suffers and we can barely function. Now they are taking an entire person away who knows the job inside and out from being there for two years and leaving the department even more short-staffed despite recent and extensive additions to our job description and responsibilities. We have two new rotations now, which brings us to seven. We do seven different jobs, rotating every week or two. The only reason I got this contract is because everyone else who got accepted went running after a week or less! It is a hard job and requires an extensive amount of hard work, memory recall and project juggling. I feel sorry for my co-workers. I feel first and foremost sorry for myself at this time, but I also feel for them. I know when I speak to them a few weeks after I leave, they will be suffering and the department will likely have yet another temp to help out because they have realized their terrible mistake.
I also do not believe they told me at ten in the morning. If you are going to let someone go, do it shortly before the day ends. Do not expect them to be able to go on about their day as if nothing happened. My boss and HR was well aware that despite my applications, I have been unable to find anything else. They knew that I was really dependent on my contract being renewed and that I would be unemployed if it was not. I am not saying they should have renewed it, but I am saying they should have had some fucking sympathy. I took off for an hour and my boss knew exactly why. Unfortunately, I cried. Thankfully, I did not cry in the boardroom. I was just shaking and I have no idea if they noticed. But once I left and was half way down the hall, the tears came and I could not stop them. I confided in a co-worker and this co-worker went and told my boss on my behalf I would be back later. My boss simply said, "Fair enough." No real guilt or understanding, just 'fair enough.' Honestly. She said nothing to me later either. She apparently wanted me to stay but did not offer any such sentiments yesterday, no apology, nothing. And you know what? I deserved that much. I will be 'arrogant' and say that I am the hardest worker they have (that is not saying much since our department is made up of seven people). I really am. I go out of my way more than any of my co-workers, I have only been off sick twice in two years, and I am the most efficient and therefore have one of the highest productivity levels. I churn out more work every week than anyone else. That is just a fact and it is nothing against any of my co-workers because many of them are very nice and I will be keeping in touch with them. But wow. Way to throw it back in my face. Not that it is personally her fault--because it is not--but she could have at least said she is sorry this is how things turned out after the relationship we have formed. We may not be best friends but I am probably closer than anyone else is to her.
I barely said two words the rest of the day. I was too depressed to eat lunch, so I just tried to lose myself in my work. I have no idea how I carried on. Almost everyone told me I should have just left. Almost all of my co-workers were really nice about it. They tried to comfort me and said they had made the wrong decision. As much as I complain about them sometimes, I am going to miss them all terribly. I am quite close to a few of them. I have no idea if future jobs will be like this, but they felt like my second family. I cannot even process this fully yet, that I will not be with them every day now. It is going to be so hard. The politics of the place are such bullshit and I hate working there for that reason, but some of my co-workers have made it more bearable. I cannot even imagine what life is going to be like without seeing them every day. The past two years there have been the longest two years of my life. I have confided in all of them at some point, and many of them have opened up to me. And as selfish as it sounds, I will miss being around people who find me funny. I was always able to entertain them. That will be hard to live without too, for sure. I never made anyone laugh so frequently as I did these co-workers. I think laughter is how we all deal with being in a place that resembles a prison, complete with disgusting cafeteria food.
This is just so much for me to handle right now. I was planning to move out late summer/early fall and go back to school for that writing program in May. That is all down the toilet now. I just cannot believe it. The whole point to getting this contract was to try and move over to Sunnybrook Hospital, which we are affiliated with. Health Care is not my industry but it would have been a good starting point, and Sunnybrook is a great place to work. Great pay, great benefits and perks, close to where we have planned to move, secure employment (I despise unions but in Sunnybrook's case, your job is protected from virtually anything and you can move within the hospital freely if you are not happy in a certain department). But my job made me wait the typical six months before applying internally, and by then, there were so many budget cuts and no jobs were being posted. It was a matter of terrible timing, but what else is new? Everything that has happened to me in the past three years has been 'terrible timing.'
Do you know how sick I am of people saying this is a good opportunity and that everything happens for a reason?! WHAT IS THE REASON THIS TIME? It is an opportunity to be unemployed? No, it is a death sentence. The economy is supposed to be picking up and unemployment is supposed to be going down, and yet I have not had a single call back. I am worse off than I was two years ago when I was job hunting! At least then I got a few interviews. This time, nothing, even though I have been completely qualified for pretty much everything I have applied for. I feel like I worked so hard to start from the bottom, etc. I put in two years and for what? For nothing. I am back at square one and I have nothing to show for it expect experience unrelated to my future industry. If they had renewed my contract, I would not have stayed there another year. But I would have appreciated having consistent income and not having to worry about money, money, money the entire time I was job hunting. Come April 1st, I will be a wreck with worry over paying bills and wondering when my savings will run out or if my agency is going to call me in for some work tomorrow. I HATE THIS. I do NOT want to be back here.
I have really hit rock bottom here. Today, I texted my friend and asked if they were hiring at the Tim Horton's he works at (part time for extra money) and how much they pay. Food service. A university grad going into food service. This is great! I think I would rather claim bankruptcy. I cannot be on my feet all day anyway (heel spurs), so I may as well trash that idea... And I cannot wear one of those hats. I would rather die.
But I would rather be working a minimum wage job than temping. That I am sure about. Temping is seriously the worst thing in the world. I know a lot of people love it for its variety and the fact that it may keep you on your toes... and that is fine, I understand that, but I personally despise it and feel sick just thinking about doing it again. Let me make this clear: there is nothing wrong with minimum wage jobs and there is nothing wrong with temping--there is just something wrong with it AT THIS POINT for ME, in MY 'career.' I am too old for this. I have already paid my dues. I got a knot in my stomach as I left the message for my old agent. I feel so humiliated too, crawling back to them after only a year. I wonder how that comes across to them. Maybe they will think I am too big of a loser to hire again. I did not even hear back from her yesterday even though I left the message early in the morning.
I have no idea what to do next here. Applying for jobs is not enough. I have to have something by April 1st. I am at a loss. I can apply all I want but I may not even get an interview within two weeks, let alone a job. So what else can I do? Can I sign up for stuffing envelopes or putting together jewelry from home? I am so sick of putting on a show. I will have to walk into each job clean-cut and smiling, as if I am happy to be there stuffing envelopes and alphabetizing for stuck up assholes who do not want to do the "dirty work" themselves. I have no idea, at this point, how I will fake enthusiasm anymore at those temp jobs. At this point, my depression is obvious and it written all over my face. "Tracks of My Tears" comes to mind.
Who knows. I cannot even think about this anymore. I am so frustrated and upset right now. Every job site makes me cry because it reminds me of where I am in life right now. I am sick of staring at this screen. My eyes are puffy and bloodshot. I have a pounding headache. I look like hell and I feel like hell. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up for a few months.
I have to apply for more jobs...
