carnivalnights

It would have been very ironic had I been born today instead of tomorrow. I have been told my mother tried very hard to have me on Valentine's Day, but alas, even then I knew I did not want to be born on an overly-commercialized holiday.

For some reason, 25 feels like a big deadline. When you turn 25, you should have x, x and x accomplished. I have no idea why it feels this way to me but it does. It's like, "By 25, I was... and..." It feels like you should have accomplished some very large goals by the age of 25. So as I inch nearer to this age (three more years yet!), I feel more anxiety. When I turned 20, I had a quarter-life crisis and with every birthday that goes by, even this one, I feel I have wasted more and more time. But how do we know when we are living our lives to their fullest anyway? There are no prerequisites or prescribed to-do lists before death. Well, I suppose we can make our own but who is to say if we do not achieve all of these goals that we did not live life to its fullest anyway? People always bite off more than they can chew.

The next two years are going to be very important for me. By 25, in fact, I should be making some life-altering changes and it will be a big year. I will have graduated university, I will be moved out on my own, I will have some sort of "professional" job... it will be an entirely new chapter. This presents, of course, even more anxiety this birthday. I keep hearing the word "crucial" in the back of my mind, and when I hear that word, I tend to fuck up.

I have three years to make this work. I have three years to set myself up for success. I have three years to cross off some major goals on my list. I have three years to prove to myself I can do this, this thing we call "life." Three years to prove I am capable, even worthy, and I hope I can do that because I feel so far from it now.

Blowing out the candles this year means wishing for everything to run as smoothly as possible in these next few crucial years. *crosses fingers*