carnivalnights

So I had no choice but to take a month hiatus from LiveJournal. I have been doing three summer courses at once, full time, and that have left me with virtually no social life, no free time, and a severe lack of Internet time. This is why I have been absent for a month.

Things at university are coming to a close. Two of my courses end next week, and my final university course ends at the end of August. After that, I will be a university graduate... the first in my family, actually, which people keep reminding me. I will hold an Honors B.A. in English and an Honors B.A. in Communication Studies. My actual convocation is in October, so I assume it will not fully sink in until then. I have no big plans or celebrations in mind. I really need to get a job as soon as possible because my summer job will be ending at the start of September. That means I will not have a dollar to my name. If I want to be out of this place by Christmas, I need to get a job sooner rather than later. But I still want at least two weeks of freedom. I plan to just relax.

University, by far, will be my largest accomplishment. I knew from a very young age that I wanted to go to university and in just one month, I will have made my biggest dream come true. I have come very, very far. I have worked very, very hard. When I first told my counselor about these three summer courses, she was mortified. She knew I had a lot on my plate already, emotionally and psychologically, and she advised against it. She knew things were rough at home with my father, she knew I was having problems in my relationship, she knew I was struggling with my SAD, she knew I was battling old demons like my mother's death, she knew I was dealing with constant family problems like my uncle. She was really concerned for me taking on such a work load but I assured her I could do it.

I had my last counseling session with her this past Thursday (since I will no longer be a student, I cannot make use of her services). She was floored I had come this far and told me she was proud of me. That is something I will never hear at home so I appreciated hearing it from her. She said she honestly did not think any human being could have done what I have done this summer and that I was a very strong person... not just for accomplishing what I set out to do with a huge workload but because I did it while so much else was going on in my life. I think the most hurtful thing that has ever been said to me is that I am not a strong person. And although that comment still bothers me, simply because it was my aunt who said it, I know it is utterly false. I know I am strong. I have had to be strong. There has been no other choice for me, and I am glad I have turned to my own inner strength instead of drugs, alcohol or any other vice. I really resent my aunt, of all people, for saying something like that. It just goes to show no one in my family knows a damn thing about my life or how hard it has been for me.

Completing university is just going to be the biggest dream for me, especially because of how hard I have worked. A couple of weeks ago, I received a letter from the Dean advising me that I once again made it on the Academic Achievement List, which puts me in the top 5% at my university. The first time I made it into this percentage, I brushed it off. But really, why should I do that? That is a really hard thing to do, and I should credit myself for working so hard to get there. I am not even talking about 'bragging' to people about it; I am really too humble a person to desire that. I am just talking about accepting it myself and patting myself on the back instead of saying, "Oh, it's just a fluke." After five years, I need to just give myself a break and forget about the fact that my father does not care. I do not need his approval. His support and encouragement has never been there, and it is never going to happen. So I need to just move on and forget about him. I need to start realizing how much I have truly accomplished in terms of education and although there will be many more battles in terms of job hunting and finding my niche, at least this is one goal down.

There are, of course, things I would have done differently. I have not been impressed with all of my grades, there are assignments and essays I could have worked harder on, there are courses I definitely would not have taken had I known how horrible they would be. I should have taken Professional Writing instead of English. I should have tried to make more contacts while I was in school. I should have signed up for the school paper. I think the biggest disappointment is my GPA. I told myself as long as I graduate with Honors that does not matter, but it does, deep down. It would have been nice to graduate with a summa cum laude degree (in Canada, 8.0 or above out of 9.0). I have no idea why mine seems so low. I have done well every year... now I will be too embarrassed to even include it on my resumé. I should not dwell on something like that but again, this is the critical part of myself coming out. No matter how well I do, I think to myself I could have done better. If I was not 'the best,' there is room for improvement. I am sure a lot of you know how this self-torture cycle goes.

Anyway, the point is, I am still proud of myself despite the above anxieties. I cannot believe this will all be over in a month. I will need a long break before doing my masters, no question about that.

I was re-hired by my old boss so I am working at my university again. I will be there until the end of August with almost full time hours, so I will need to somehow balance that with finishing off my final course. If I somehow managed to get through the workload I had this summer, I guess I can somehow manage to get through this too...