Can I catch a break?

[carnivalnights]

I cannot do this anymore. Seriously. I have had enough. Everything is so messed up right now and it keeps getting worse. I feel like every time I try to catch my balance, the volcano erupts again. What will it take to catch a break?

i. Things are really messed up with one of the two people I have left. Our friendship is falling apart and I have no idea why. I feel physically ill every time I talk to him because we are not really talking. My stomach is just in knots over this, and I am walking around feeling like I am going to throw up any moment, all day long. Something changed overnight and he is distancing himself from me more as each day goes by. I am always, always the one to initiate contact now; he used to initiate equally and then it just stopped. We are barely talking. The communication we do have consists of useless online exchanges. I am not sure if he is just trying to let me off easy (ending the friendship) or if maybe he is just going through something right now that I cannot help him with. I have tried. I have tried to fix it but nothing is working. If there is one person I cannot lose, it is him. I knew this would happen. It always does. And yet my lack of preparation suggests I will never learn, no matter how many times they leave.

ii. My father might have cancer. We are waiting for the biopsy, but the doctor was concerned enough to request one. He said he saw something that could be the beginnings of cancer. Colon cancer runs in our family with two previous male family members having died from it already.

iii. The job hunt is still miserable. I have next to no motivation left. I am depressed, I am angry and I have no idea how you continue to job hunt feeling that way. I wonder how much longer I can press on with it. I am clinging to the last bits of motivation I have to keep applying for things, but I feel impending doom and I still cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. What will this take? What will it take to find a job? I am going insane. Literally. I think there is something warped with my mind. I feel like my brain is fried. This situation has made me question so many things I was sure about before. I keep thinking, this is all setting me back. I am a few years away from 30 and I do not even have a job! How long is it going to take now to get into an actual career? Am I going to be 40 before that happens? When will I ever move out of here and into my own place? I need to start saving for retirement. I need to get this student debt paid off. All because of this job issue, I am so worried about my future. I am terrified. My life is just wasting away.

iv. I am not even going to start with my relationship. That would take all day.

v. I quit my exercise routine. Again, this depression has a domino effect. I am not motivated to work-out anymore despite my appearance being one of the main things causing my depression. I have gained weight since I have been unemployed, and that is obviously not good. I need to be taking the weight off, not putting it on. I feel inspired watching others get their routines together, but I am still lacking the motivation to start my own. I was doing so well with it for a while. I am so mad at myself. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and start over, sticking with it no matter what.

vi. Talking no longer helps. Nothing and no one can pull me out of this. It feels like drowning. I am still open to advice or recommendations though.

Comments

[anxietyflow.livejournal.com]

*big hugs* I am terribly sorry to hear about the news of your father.

Have you tried talking to your friend about what is going on? Be honest with him.

While you are looking for a job, would you consider working at a bookshop or some kind of retailer? I am still working at Lowe's. You are much better than me though because at least you are LOOKING for a job. I haven't even bothered. I, myself, don't even think I want to do anything with my degree anymore. I also feel like my life is wasting away in the career section. But working retail would at least give you some money for stuff. Also, you may meet new people and that may open new windows for many opportunities... friends and even finding REAL work with your degree!

I need to really lose weight too, but I am way too lazy to exercise right now. I'm trying to eat healthier though. Eh.

I know you said talking does not help, but you can always email me! If so, please do glowkitten@gmail.com :)

Love you! Hang in there!

[littlemisstexas.livejournal.com]

I am deeply, deeply sorry about your father's news and that you're feeling this way, sweetie. *huge, huge, huge hugs & endless love* : ( ♥ I know it doesn't seem to help but like anxietyflow said, I love you and if there is anything in the world I can do to help, please don't hesitate to holler. You are always in our hearts and thoughts and we're all here for you and hanging in there with you. We'll all be sending you good thoughts and good luck every day, sweetie. I know the right job will come your way soon and I know you'll get back on your routine as well, just try not to push yourself any harder (I know, easier said than done).

We love you lots, hun. We're thinking of you. *huge, huge, huge hugs & endless love* ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

i

ii

iii

Love,
Jennifer

[freyis.livejournal.com]

*hug* wish there was more I could do :/

[apori.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry to hear all this dear :(. I wish there was something I could say or do that could help. I don't want to encourage negativity, but maybe what you really need is a good period of full on letting your misery about everything out, be that eating or sleeping or crying or drinking or just shutting yourself off from the world for a few days just so that you can actually put yourself first for once? This might be a bad idea with everything going on, but I always get the feeling that you're giving so much and getting so little in return.

Maybe for exercise you could try martial arts? It could be a good way for you to let out some of your frustration and maybe feel more empowered.

Anyway, wishing you THE BEST and lots of hoping your father will be OK. I really hope that soon you'll soon get some good fortune coming your way. It means nothing, but I genuinely mean that you're someone who really deserves that.