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My father just told me that I make it really hard to love me and care about me.
How nice.
After twenty-five years, he still knows exactly what to say to shatter me and my self-esteem. How? How can I not just sweep a comment like that under the rug and write him off as a total asshole (which he obviously is)? Well, not only is he my father but he is also the only parent I have left. I am guessing that has something to do with it. I just cannot believe he can say something like that straight-faced and not care how much it could hurt me. A lot of people would say, aside from perhaps not helping out enough around the house growing up, that I was a model child. I was a straight-A student, I never got into trouble, I stayed away from drugs and alcohol, I never had a pregnancy scare because I was always so careful, and all I have done my entire life is help others and fight for causes I believe in. I am not a completely selfless person but I am a very generous, caring, and kind-hearted person. I am open-minded and accepting of practically every type of person on this planet. I cared endlessly about my academics and doing well in school so I could get somewhere in life. No one ever had to tell me to do my homework or that work comes before play. I was studious, focused, and hard-working growing up, just as I am now. I have no idea what I did so wrong, to cause so much hatred. I have no idea what I did so wrong to make him so unimpressed and disgusted with me. Ashamed. That is the word. That is how it seems he feels, ashamed of me. And I have no idea why. I wonder every day what is so awful about myself, and I am so sick of sitting there wondering that because it is probably all him and his own messed up personality. But there is no stopping it. It hurts me no matter what I do and no matter how much I tell myself he is the problem.
I have never been a parent, but how do you loathe your own flesh and blood this much? I thought it was impossible to hate your own child. I guess if they are conniving, rude, and deliberately try to hurt you and ruin your life... then maybe I could see hating your own offspring. But even then, from what I have seen and experienced second-hand in life, most parents still love their child. No matter what. Parental love is supposed to be unconditional love, at least from what I have gathered in my years. It seems only natural that it be unconditional; you created another life and you are supposed to love and support it, and do everything you can possibly do to steer it in the right direction. I did none of these things. I have never set out to hurt him in any way and all I have done is try my best in life.
Instead of getting unconditional love, I get nothing but conditional love. And unfortunately, I do not meet any of his deranged conditions. I got someone who has done nothing but criticize me even when I try my best. I got someone who does not appreciate me in any way. I got someone who would not even give me two dollars unless I "earned" it; I was always the furthest thing from spoiled and I never received gifts or thanks 'just because.' I got someone who could not think of anything about me to brag to his friends about. I got someone who has physically assaulted me and does not feel a damn ounce of regret about it because I "deserved it." I got someone who says I have an awful personality and that he cannot believe someone would love me, date me or "put up" with me. I got someone who does not ask how my day was, someone who does not care to learn anything about my life and who I am, someone who would rather make the assumption that I am a moron rather than believe I could make a simple mistake. I got someone who has been absolutely no substitute for a dead mother. I got the complete opposite of what a girl needs when her mother dies. I got a life of abuse, questioning my self-worth and what I could have done to make him hate me.
There is no fixing this. I am so sure of this now, more than ever. There is absolutely nothing that could heal any of us, not even death. I would not breathe a word of regret or offer an apology because I have done everything I can to make things right. I have tried to make him see the error in his way: the way he talks to me, the way he treats me, and the way he makes me feel about myself and our relationship. I dragged him to counseling where he proceeded to lie and place blame on only me. I have done everything to save the relationship. It is so far gone now. And as much as I am sure that it will never be mended, it is still hard to admit because it is heartbreaking. It is heartbreaking that the only parent I have left refuses to see me as a decent human being. And no more will I accept that he cannot "express himself properly" or any of that nonsense my family tries to feed me. You do not tell your own flesh and blood that they make it hard to love them. That is a fucking awful thing to say, even to a stranger.
After all the abuse I have endured, you would think it would be easy to walk away. But it really is not and I would never admit this to him because he would just laugh and call me dramatic. I would be lying if I said this did not affect me in other ways. In all honesty, I am absolutely terrified to end up with someone like my father. I have promised myself that if I move in with someone and start experiencing what I have experienced living at home--the constant criticism, the constant nagging, the constant hurtful comments and lack of appreciation--I will get the hell out. I have seen parts of my father in every man I have ever dated, give or take one or two. That scares me. I can promise anyone I am with that I will not ever stay if I start seeing too much of my father in them. I cannot possibly do this to myself for another thirty, forty, fifty years. But he has ruined a lot for me, and he has made it next to impossible to trust any man. I hate him for that. And I hate him for taking away what was supposed to be a decent childhood after losing a parent. Even if I did not lose a parent, it still would have been just as horrible because I lost him. He just was not there. It is like I never had a real parent, a real family.
Even a few years ago, I never would have screamed "I fucking hate you" to him. But it is so easy now and I would not think twice about having regrets for saying it. And in fact, I wish I could waltz up to him and say, 'Just so you know, I meant every word. I really do hate you.' What makes it all worse is that he is Jekyll and Hyde. He is such a phony and he pretends, with everyone else, this side to him does not exist. So no one believes me. My entire family has never, ever been on my side about anything. Even my grandmother said I might be overexaggerating when he assaulted me and that I might not be remembering things correctly. It is kind of hard to "forget" someone chasing you around the house, hitting you and choking you. And of course, he lied to absolutely everyone and said I hit him first; I never laid a goddamn hand on him. I have never laid a goddamn hand on anyone and surely I am not stupid enough to hit him because I know damn well he is not afraid to hit me back and then some. He was eager to hit me and just looking for an excuse. Since he could not fine one, he made one up and flat out lied about me hitting him first. Even if I did, that is still no excuse for what he did anyway so I do not know why he even bothered to make that up.
When we are finally apart, I wonder if he will regret any of this when I never speak to him again or bother to invite him over. For now, I am putting on a face and pretending--when we are not arguing--that I am fine with him. But really, I am not and I never will be again. And I will never, ever forgive him to the pain he has caused and the self-hate he helped create. I will never forgive him for not being the father I needed even though I tried to be the daughter he wanted.
Oh, LJ, where are your priorities?
Oct. 28th, 2006 07:31 pmI think for the first time ever, I am actually pissed off with LiveJournal. There have been many times where people have been pissed off at one thing or another, but I was always thinking, "Who cares?" I understand why they are teaming up with other companies. And even though everyone else hates the new 'look' for the new editing system, I think it makes more sense and things are easier to find. I like all of the new features they have been implementing over the past few months. I think there is balance between free and paid accounts, and I think their prices for everything are reasonable. Until now, I never really had a beef with them over anything.
Okay, so what is it that I am so angry about? I am sure you have heard about the crackdown on music communities. Well, that is my issue. They suspended my favourite music community ever, the single place I ventured to get rare things or introduce myself to new things. I will not mention the community name here, but I am sure a lot of you were on it as well, so you can take a guess. Most people do not abuse music downloading. There are a lot of people who do, but the majority of people do not. And it is unfair that everyone else has to suffer. I just find it funny that only now is LiveJournal cracking down on these communities, communities that have been around for years. There was not even much of a crackdown when there were all those lawsuits in the US. So why now?
LiveJournal has always stated in its TOS that it is not responsible for how you use their service. It says right in their TOS: All Content posted to LiveJournal in any way, is the responsibility and property of the author. And they are not; I understand that. It is just like the whole issue with MySpace... parents are blaming MySpace for their teenage daughter sneaking out to meet dirty, old men. Why? Take some repsonbility for the bad choices your kids make and stop blaming a site that has no control over what any human being decides to do. So why are they suddenly taking responsibility on and shutting down communities? Most of these music communities are locked as well, and they have strict membership policies. The posts are not open to any old person, so people looking for music-sharing abusers will not find them on most LiveJournal communities. There are far too many other highly illegal services that no one in their right mind would go looking for LiveJournals containing 'illegal' material. Do you think torrents would be put on the backburner because LiveJournal has a few hundred MP3 communities? I think not. You can download full movies, full DVD box sets, full programs, full games, full albums, everything. Those will be the next target.
Now, that is not even the part that upsets me most, LiveJournal suddenly changing their policy on being 'responsible' for what people use LiveJournals for. The real beef I have started a few months ago when I reported the most disgusting community I have ever seen, here or otherwise online. Again, I will not name it, mostly due to the fact that there are hundeds of similar communities, and because 3/4 of you could not stomach the images it contains. And I do not want people puking all over their keyboards. 1) This community clearly promotes and encourages animal abuse. Not only does it have pictures of people killing animals, but it has posters laughing about it. 2) The community clearly supports and makes light of human death, with images of people being run over by cars with their guts spewing out everywhere. I wish I could say that most of the images were fake, but unfortunately I think most of them are real. Some of them are clearly fake, but a lot of them are clearly real and have come from sources such as police records and only people licensed to be at the scene of a crime (this means that there are law officials doing completely illegal things, like uploading completely confidential information online, which does not surprise me). I just have zero tolerance for people who are entertained by brutality and violence, and I have no respect for people who turn their back on it and allow it to continue. I can stomach a lot, but I cannot stomach someone posting pictures of stepping on an animal until its eyes have popped out, mutilating their genitals for fun, or someone who has been run over by a train. What is wrong with these people? I have also seen communities for rape fetishists that outline ways to go about committing a crime, talk about wanting to commit crime, or ways in which posters already have committed crimes:
Theres a girl that i used to go to school with by the name of Danii. GOD DAMNIT I WOULD LOVE TO RAPE HER. I dont think i would ever actually do it, but fuck would i love it.
No, I have no idea how I manage to come across these things. Bad luck? Anyway, I reported the former community and LiveJournal said:
While we understand the frustration regarding this community, in order for us to take any action the content would need to be blatantly instructional material designed to facilitate the promotion of and engagement in illegal activities. In this particular instance, the material specified is clearly of a disturbing nature. Unfortunately, we have not been made aware of any specific links to content which is instructional and/or promotional in nature. We do realize that a number of users find communities such as these offensive and feel that the material within the community should be removed. We must recognize that the contents of the community are being used for a satirical purpose, however, and that they are aimed towards a desire to create a negative reaction or shock value. We regret that actions such as these are not in violation of the LiveJournal Terms of Service (http://www.livejournal.com/legal/tos.bml).
We understand your views against this community, and we agree that the content is distasteful; however, LiveJournal strives to protect the ideal of free speech for all users. As long as the speech in question does not violate the privacy of another, violate local or federal laws, or explicitly encourage others to harass or physically harm any particular racial, ethnic, or social minority, it is considered allowable under the Terms of Service. The content in question unfortunately does not meet this criteria.
Satirical? Yes, murder is funny! Hahaha. Dead people. Dead animals. Oozing genitals. Crushed skulls. Deformities. Incest. Jeffrey Dahmer's personal photo collection. What the FUCK? I was outraged, to say the least. And and long as it does not "encourage others to harass or physically harm any particular racial, ethnic, or social minority"? So it is okay to kill heterosexual white people then? And animals?
So yes, the reason I am mad is this: they can close a music community down because MP3s are bad. They refuse to shut down communities that promote violence to extremes: rape, murder, incest, mutilation and animal abuse... but they have no problem shutting down music communities because their asses might be on the line? Honestly, I am gravely disappoited. Talk about not having your priorities straight. It all just seems a little hypocritical, especially considering they cannot leaglly be sued because as users, we have agreed to take full responsibility for the content we post.
I suppose it is useless to fight for these things. There are just too many of them. You close one down and other will open up. This outrages me even more. There are so many sick people out there. It is scary.
